Early morning ramblings

I've been writing again...but not on the things I had been working on, but new things. I guess with spring comes new inspirations. I've now got 5 or 6 things on the go; some have REAL potential to be... SOMETHING; some are just little snippets or "visual" writings. (A "visual" writing is something written in a manner so graphic you can't help but see the entire thing in your imagination. I term is widely used in the fan fiction genre -- mostly used for characters having sex with one another. Something over the years I've become VERY good at...LOL -- *cough* "the story" *cough (if you don't know what "the story" is... remind me to enlighten you sometime). Although with my newly found free time (not working) -- that's okay to have so many things on the go.. I guess I can take care of that. I'm hoping at some point I'll finish...SOMETHING and have it published. Maybe before my 50th. Maybe that should be my goal. Maybe I'm expecting it to come far faster than it should. The writing, not my 50th....Just to be clear.

I'm still speaking to the person I hadn't been speaking to, but am now speaking to again at least via FB. So, I guess that's something positive. We've got a long, long way to go to have any semblance of a healthy friendship - but I suppose talking is a step towards that. But -- both parties have to be willing. And I am...with reservation - but, I still don't know if she is. And maybe she doesn't know. I don't have that answer. Out of all our friendship faults, and our own faults... she's been there at times I've needed her. I can't dispute that fact. Has our friendship always been a healthy one? No. I can't dispute that fact either. Was she always to blame? No, I did my fair share of things to hurt and harm our friendship over the years. Could I have tried harder? Sure, who couldn't. Could she? Yes. Of course. I guess at the end of the day, after sinking 20+ years into a friendship I'm just not willing to let it go without a fight. We're still vastly different people at the end of the day, but if it doesn't work out...at least I'm able to say I did EVERYTHING to try to sort this shit out.

I'm running on about 3 hours sleep today, no real reason for my random wake up in the middle of the night. Although I'd wager it has something to do with the cats. They just seem to infiltrate the bed and take it over.  I can't speak for later, but currently I'm not tired. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm awake, cheerful and alert. I don't know how I'll be come noon, but for now... I feel pretty damn good. Could I possibly be becoming a *gasp* MORNING person???

Nahhhh.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Happy Easter

I've got the makings for yet another story into the fire. I don't know if I can keep up this pace though. The last few days I feel like I'm "en pointe" twenty four seven. Like, I don't know how to turn the muses off. I'm loving the positive creative energies but sometimes I feel like my brain is scattered and I'm being pulled in multiple directions at once. Last night was the first time I've slept well in days. Like all the muses are speaking at once, vying for attentions for each different writing. New writings. And they're good. They're very good. At least, I think so. I suppose only time will tell.

I spoke to my former friend (what a stupid way to have to put it) via FB this week because her Aunt had passed away. I wouldn't have been me had I not extended my condolences to her. We spoke back and forth a little and now it's all gone to radio silence again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I missed speaking to her, but I'm not going to rehash things that she isn't, can't or won't help me fix. I am unwilling to accept responsibility for things that are NOT my fault. Friendship is a two way street and I have been more than willing to be accommodating in my changing. We are still ever tragically locked at a stalemate, and I don't think that's going to be fixed anytime soon. And maybe that's the way things are meant to be, remaining on the fringes of each others lives. I wish her peace and to be well.

I spent a LOVELY afternoon yesterday (rather unexpectedly) with my dear BFF. We went and had our nails done, and even bought matching purses (different colours). I know, it's silly -- but we had a great time. We always do. She'd been away on vacation, so catching up was just what we both needed I think. I know I sure did! I'm feeling rejuvenated today and I'm fairly sure she's part of the reason behind it. I missed her terribly while she was away. Even though we texted everyday, we missed our weekly ritual of going out to lunch. It was nice to get back into the groove.

Anyway, looking forward to spending some time with family this weekend. The weather seems to be warming up (FINALLY) and I hope that each of you have a lovely weekend. 

Happy Easter (if you celebrate). If not... happy weekend!

One Last Glimpse,

~K

The end of the road....

So, I've given my notice. Final. No takesies backsies. I'm just tired of the assholes that come through here thinking that I'm worse than a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe. The rudeness of some people because either they feel entitled to behave in such a manner, or they feel that somehow it's MY fault the price of gas is the way it is. Yes, it's a closely guarded secret that I have some evil monopoly over the price of gas and while you suckers are paying 1.05$ per litre, secretly I'm only paying .50cents. Morons. I'm going to miss the shit out of  my boss when I leave though. That's the one major downside.

I've been sick the last 2 days. Just with a cold, nothing major - it's not like it's ebola or anything, but it's seriously been kicking my ass. And of course, I'm working. I tell you this shit is like clockwork, it never fails. Oh well, at least I don't have my period... that was LAST weekend and a shit show all on its own. (Don't even get me started!)

We still haven't bought a house yet, although we've decided we're doing it this year. At least, that's the plan. I've seen a few that I like, I seem to be drawn to the large victorian style homes. Neither of the two that are my favourites at the moment are here in London, both are in different cities or towns. Which is fine as well as far as I'm concerned. Anyone I want or need to go see is still travelable by car. And of course, Alan loves the victorian style homes too. I think what I like most about them is the high ceilings. I never feel clostrophobic in them, they always bring me a sense of relief. So we'll see where we go from here. Who knows where we might end up. I know where I DON'T want to be, and I know what I'm looking for. Now we just play the waiting game and see what we can find.

My friend who had moved here from out west moved back to Vancouver. He wasn't happy here. I can respect that. In my opinion he didn't even try to make himself happy here, and by his own admission told people before he even left there that he would be back - so I'm not sure what the point of him moving here was for anyway. But, that's fine. I just want him to be happy. And if he's happier out west, so be it. I'm certainly not about to make you stay if you're unhappy.

I'm not any closer to finishing my book, nor have I painted in a dogs age. I'm hoping with the nicer weather coming that inspiration will strike and all that will be a thing of the past. Time to shake off the winter blahs and cobwebs and strike out of the cocoon.

One Last Glimpse,



~K

Poem time...

I have a creative buzz lingering just beneath the skin

I can feel it buzzing, itching, yearning to scratch it's way to the surface

Itching, twitching, needing to break through and be free

Of the confines of my mind.

To have it's own voice, tell it's own story, soliloquy and grand solo

Be enraptured in its own being

Captivating others to be one within it

To breathe in and make themselves a part of it.

Journeying forward and enhancing the world,

Bringing forth a new sense of joy, life, love and peace

Ushering in a new thought process and level of being.

A thing of greatness, beauty. A thing unlike no other the world has ever seen.

All within the confines of my mind, aching to make it's escape.

Feb 4/2015 KMC

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Welcome 2015... What the fresh hell?? DO OVER!!!

To say that the tail end of 2014 sucked and the beginning of 2015 started out of the gate with a lame ass stumble barrel roll would be an understatement. One of my kids almost getting hit buy car, Cats ditching at least two lives by getting nudged by a car (both kid and cat survived... not the same car... two separate days). COUNTLESS other acts of random, out of the blue surprises and accidents. It was crazy. New Years Day evening even found me in the hospital with a DIFFERENT child of mine. By yesterday (the 2nd) I was demanding a do over.

So now, after a few evenings of reflection and calm and collected relaxation -- things seemed to have calmed down and be more even keeled. I've been dreaming very surreal, in depth, full on saga like dreams since the new year as well. Very detailed and honestly, would make brilliant novels or movies/mini series. I hope they continue, I have felt very well rested after these dreams. So that's good (at least for me) as well.

I have many hopes for this year. First and foremost being that I'd like to find and buy a new house and move. I'm hoping by the middle of the summer at the latest if not sooner. I'm uncertain as to where but I don't think it will be too terribly far from where I am now. I'm not sure I'm going to continue working where I am, but if I do -- it will be out of choice, not requirement. I just want to be able to redecorate and paint if I choose to. Where I am now; because we rent; while I COULD paint...I would have to put it back when I moved out. Plus we have carpet (which I hate!) and would love to put down laminate or hard wood, but again...cannot.

Anyway dear readers, I hope 2015 finds you well... and brings to you many blessings, lots of white light and oodles of luck. I will endevour to write more than I have, but make no promises.

As always

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Work, work, work....it's a gas, gas, gas

I'm at work. It is busy tonight. Gas is finally almost under a dollar a litre and it's Christmas Time to boot. So of course...it is BUSY. People are rammy and rude. Short tempered and ignorant. Brain dead stupid. The following happened this evening. I watched it happen. But was so dumbstruck by what I witnessed, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

A lady (a regular) out on the farthest pump lifted the nozzle and instered it into her tank. Before I could get on the intercom, she realized it was pay at the pump, I thought she had forgotten the card in the car and watched her go to the drivers side. I stopped watching at that moment and served a customer inside. Then I realized a moment later, she was about to pull away, that she wasn't searching in her car for a card and watched her pull away....yanking the still attached hose OUT OF THE PUMP.

It snapped at the emergency knuckle, hit the pump with a loud bang, hit the ground, bounced and wigged around hitting the back of her car -- and then dragged behind her while she parked. She then came in, clearly pissed off with herself, clerly embarassed (she did just do the walk of shame past seven other customers as well as myself, all who had witnessed her stupidity) asking me what I wanted done with the hose. My first thought of course "Bend over sweetheart" never left my lips I'm proud to say... instead I mumbled "Just put it back for now". She took an out of order back with her. Did the walk of shame back to the pump, placing everything back in it's place (almost) and walked away.

I couldn't help but laugh. Even if I hadn't witnessed it myself and someone told me about it, I still would have laughed. It's almost like a scene out of some comedy movie come to life. I feel badly for the lady, I'm sure she felt like a moron. But I couldn't help but laugh just the same.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Friendship or lack there of: Revisited

Friendships are a strange thing aren't they? Sometimes you think a friend will be there forever, take a bullet for you, womb to tomb, birth to earth sort of deal. And then there are those who; like ships; just randomly sail off into the distance without any fanfare and then the friendship is over. Then there are those, those who you think will be around forever, but abruptly, for no reason whatsoever, leave. The ones that are left making you scratch your head thinking... "What the fairy fuck happened?".

I've come to the conclusion that some people are just better off out of your life. You think at the time, you can never imagine that to be...but then that veil lifts; that veil that you have on all your friends that forgives their little annoyances that piss other people off; and it all becomes clear. You see what other people see, and you think to yourself -- wow...was I really that blind to not see this? Where they always this way? And if you think back, you can see it. But you were friends, and therefore it was a forgivable thing. Tolerated, accepted. That can be a hard pill to swallow at first. Believe me, I know. But, once the smoke clears and the tears stop, you start to see people in a whole different light. You start to see what other people see about them that makes them not exactly the person you saw them as before. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's a bad thing.

And then there's those who end a friendship and you see them say stupid things that are said just to piss you off. School yard things, chicken shit things that they would never say to your face. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for things we shared, did, saw and the laughs and tears we shared. But lately, the little digs and comments you're saying to our mutual friends just really piss me off, I can see the game you're playing and I'm not going to play into it. You wanted things this way, and now they are.

I'm sorry you're not the person you think you should be. I'm sorry that; clearly; you're a very unhappy person mired down with such self loathing and doubt. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be, but you'd rather wallow in your self hatred all the while professing that you just want peace and serenity - which is a farce since you can't have those things if you don't love yourself, and there's nothing I can do about that. That's all on you. And believe it or not, I do feel sorry for you, maybe I shouldn't after EVERYTHING you've said I've done -- or haven't done I guess is more apropos. And again, I'm not saying I was completely innocent in the demise of this relationship. But, I surely don't hold sole responsibility, it takes two to tango. Maybe I should hate myself like you do yourself...but sorry, that's not going to happen either. And maybe this is me being immature, spiteful, and going all school yard by posting this. But hey, you always did encourage me to write. So there you are.

And mostly I'm sorry to you, my readers who have to read my own personal therapy on this matter. But writing things out helps me process my emotions. Right now, I'm angry. Very angry. I've gone through the loss of the friendship, the sadness...and now, every time I see this person say things on Facebook I just want to punch them in the face. SO not me. So, in a therapeutic move for myself, I just bit the bullet (as I was writing this)...pulled the trigger and did it, she's now blocked, I can no longer see anything she posts. I did it not because I don't want to be reminded of her, but because I need to let go of this absolute rage I feel when I see posts she makes that come off as passive-aggressive, snide and condescending and directed towards me. Maybe they're not, and I'm imagining things...but I won't let go of this anger until I do away with the root cause. Maybe I'll unblock her someday, but today will not be that day.

Love one another, and love yourself. You're worth it. And so am I.

Live your best life, love, and be happy.


One Last Glimpse,

~K