Friendship or lack there of: Revisited

Friendships are a strange thing aren't they? Sometimes you think a friend will be there forever, take a bullet for you, womb to tomb, birth to earth sort of deal. And then there are those who; like ships; just randomly sail off into the distance without any fanfare and then the friendship is over. Then there are those, those who you think will be around forever, but abruptly, for no reason whatsoever, leave. The ones that are left making you scratch your head thinking... "What the fairy fuck happened?".

I've come to the conclusion that some people are just better off out of your life. You think at the time, you can never imagine that to be...but then that veil lifts; that veil that you have on all your friends that forgives their little annoyances that piss other people off; and it all becomes clear. You see what other people see, and you think to yourself -- wow...was I really that blind to not see this? Where they always this way? And if you think back, you can see it. But you were friends, and therefore it was a forgivable thing. Tolerated, accepted. That can be a hard pill to swallow at first. Believe me, I know. But, once the smoke clears and the tears stop, you start to see people in a whole different light. You start to see what other people see about them that makes them not exactly the person you saw them as before. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's a bad thing.

And then there's those who end a friendship and you see them say stupid things that are said just to piss you off. School yard things, chicken shit things that they would never say to your face. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for things we shared, did, saw and the laughs and tears we shared. But lately, the little digs and comments you're saying to our mutual friends just really piss me off, I can see the game you're playing and I'm not going to play into it. You wanted things this way, and now they are.

I'm sorry you're not the person you think you should be. I'm sorry that; clearly; you're a very unhappy person mired down with such self loathing and doubt. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be, but you'd rather wallow in your self hatred all the while professing that you just want peace and serenity - which is a farce since you can't have those things if you don't love yourself, and there's nothing I can do about that. That's all on you. And believe it or not, I do feel sorry for you, maybe I shouldn't after EVERYTHING you've said I've done -- or haven't done I guess is more apropos. And again, I'm not saying I was completely innocent in the demise of this relationship. But, I surely don't hold sole responsibility, it takes two to tango. Maybe I should hate myself like you do yourself...but sorry, that's not going to happen either. And maybe this is me being immature, spiteful, and going all school yard by posting this. But hey, you always did encourage me to write. So there you are.

And mostly I'm sorry to you, my readers who have to read my own personal therapy on this matter. But writing things out helps me process my emotions. Right now, I'm angry. Very angry. I've gone through the loss of the friendship, the sadness...and now, every time I see this person say things on Facebook I just want to punch them in the face. SO not me. So, in a therapeutic move for myself, I just bit the bullet (as I was writing this)...pulled the trigger and did it, she's now blocked, I can no longer see anything she posts. I did it not because I don't want to be reminded of her, but because I need to let go of this absolute rage I feel when I see posts she makes that come off as passive-aggressive, snide and condescending and directed towards me. Maybe they're not, and I'm imagining things...but I won't let go of this anger until I do away with the root cause. Maybe I'll unblock her someday, but today will not be that day.

Love one another, and love yourself. You're worth it. And so am I.

Live your best life, love, and be happy.


One Last Glimpse,

~K

Where ya been???

I know... I know... bad blogger... let's move on. What's new!

So much has happend since we spoke last. A dear friend of mine and my husband's after 20 years of living out west has moved back home, and in with us. I've missed him dearly. And yes, we moved around a lot too with Alan being in the military, but to have him here now is just fantastic.

Robin Williams killed himself, which traumatized me to my core. I had enjoyed his work since I was about 7 or 8 and followed his highs and lows right through most of my life. It is a tragic loss that he is gone, and I still have as of yet to watch any of his movies or interviews. 

Most recently a very long time friend of mine decided she no longer wanted to be friends. To be honest, I'm still sort of reeling about this when I stop to think about it. I feel her reasons behind "unfriending" me were completely school yard and infintile. She called our friendship "a farce" which was more than a little harsh and to be honest I suspect said to hurt me more than anything. I honestly believe it was out of sheer jealousy of other friendships I have. Instead of talking it out like a mature adult, she elected to unfriend me on Facebook and not tell me. She waited (I'm certain) to see if I would notice. Clearly, I did. I'm willing to accept my fault and failure in the demise of our friendship, but I refuse to accept her part. That onus is on her, not me. Although I was surprised at how many people came forth after the fact and have either said "I never really did like her...We only put up with her because of you" or "I never understood your friendship you are such an up person, and she is just... not".  Does this mean I wish her ill will? Of course not. We were friends for many years. This isn't the first time our friendship has come to an end, it's actually the third and likely the last. I will miss her, and her beautiful family... but it is out of my hands and beyond my control. I don't want her to be in a friendship with me if she honestly believes she isn't welcome or her friendship isn't wanted (completely untrue). But in the end, it her her choice, and I wish her well.

On a COMPLETELY different school of thought...

I had two distinct dreams last night. Both so completely vivid and real that I have been borderline obsessed with the details all day. The sights, sounds and even textures surrounding me. I find; more often than not; that I live for these sort of dreams. And I try to remember as much of the dream as possible. Faces, voices, surroundings. Are they past lives? Buried memories? I don't know. Whatever the case, I find them fascinating.

In the first one I can remember that I was in a long, almost mint green dress with white bibbing. The dress was heavy, weighted, it had a texture I can still feel under my fingertips even now that I'm awake. And for some reason, I was standing on a balcony with a shot gun at the ready. I had it lifted, aimed and even fired off a couple of shots which hit their mark with deadly accuracy. It was dark out, raining. But I'm uncertain if it was dark out because it was twilight or if it was dark out because of the rain, or a bit of both. I wasn't alone. There was someone with me, a man, whom I have no idea who it was with any certainty. I have my suspicions but without recalling a face or a definitive voice, I have nothing. I do recall a discussion about me steadying my shot. But again, I don't recall a definitive voice that I can lean back on to help me remember.

The second one wasn't so much about me per se, but seeing an object that has me fixated to the point of “Googling” is just off the wall... even for me. I dreampt I was in a house (not mine, nor anyone that I have been in – not in this life time anyway as far as I can recall). And against an entrance wall there was a small settee. I can remember it was gold painted with spindle legs with black contour painted in the gold filigree. The cushion was a muted aquamarine blue with gold pattern on it. Scroll and fleur de lis comes to mind, although I'm not 100% certain on that – I suspect it is correct. It was a small understated piece and yet, I was fixated and still am. I know I was knelt down at one point in front of it, staring at it like it was an old friend. I had that much of a connection with this piece of furniture. Like it was mine, or had been. I know I was glad to see it still kicking around and pleased it hadn't been gotten rid of.... even though it wasn't mine. I can remember asking “Where did this come from?” as I dragged my fingertips over the wood. “I've seen it before” I can remember saying as well. Although I know my waking self, has not. I can recall being asked “Are you just going to fawn over that all day, or are you coming?”. I replied “I'm coming...” But I have no recollection where I was going to. Was it the fleur de lis pattern on it that had me fixated or something else? I'm really not sure.

Anyway kids, there you have it. That's about all that's new with me worth a mention. I am well, I hope you are too going into this festivus season. Stay warm, stay safe... until next time...

One Last Glimpse,

~K