Monday, 31 March 2014

Memories of a hero

This is a very personal entry to me. An open letter to a particular person. They'll never read it, but it's my feelings and I want to get them out.

Larger than life, quick with a joke and a smile. Always giving a wink and a playful teasing. As long as you were being knew you were okay. It's when the teasing and joking stopped you knew you were in it deep. These are the things I remember and treasure most. These are the ways I choose to remember you.

The person you have become, the person you are now is so far from the person I know you to be. And it eats me up inside to know that you're trapped and unable to help yourself and knowing that there's nothing you can do and nothing we can do to help you.

Nat is guilt ridden. She shouldn't be...but is. She has stood by and defended you every inch of the way like any daughter should, but has also called you out on things when you should have been...such as any one (including yourself) would do. Such a beautiful, proud woman you've raised. A beautiful mixture of you and Mom. I know you're proud of her. I am too. And of the man Nat married and your beautiful grand-daughter. I see a lot of you in all three of them. The pride, the strength and the wicked sense of humor.

I can remember when I was first starting to come over when Nat and I first met. Never had I ever felt so at home, and so welcome in a friend's house. I felt like I belonged and like I was one of your own. And, with all the time I came to stay over, I'm sure it seemed like I practically lived there at times and I'm sure it felt like it. Never once did you ever treat me like an outsider. Not once. And that is something I can never thank you enough for.

But now, what's left of the man I once knew is slowly fading away. Wracked with an evil disease that will; at some point; consume you. I wish, like everyone that I could take that away from you. Save you. Rescue you. And while you may not know we are here with you in mind, spirit and body... we are.

I hope you know though, that you have been and always will be, loved. Not just by your family, but by those you have touched with your heart, your smile and your wisdom. I don't profess you to be perfect. No one is. But I always looked up to you. You were a hero to many and always will be a hero of mine. And I thank you for the impact you have had on me and my life.

"Love you as much as never". Always.


Saturday, 29 March 2014

Ramblings while at work

Another Saturday night at work. CLEARLY, I'm swamped. The Ides of March have almost left us, making way for the April showers bringing May flowers. I'm over the winter. Bring on the warmer weather says I. Of course by end of June I'll be bitching it's too hot...but, for now... bring it on!

Still nothing on the house hunting front. We're still in one gigantic holding pattern. We've got this property we like, but until we get Alan's income tax return back... we're at a stalemate. Which sucks. In the meanwhile I'm burning up the lines on Pinterest. (If you get my pinterest spam -- I'm sorry, I make no apologies...but you have been warned!) And buying redecorating mags like they're going out of style! I'm addicted! Addicted I tell you!!! Maybe I was a decorator in a past life. LOL Who knows.

I awoke this morning annoyed. Annoyed with myself because of a dream I had. I dreampt I was speaking with my Father, not an uncommon occurrence...I usually speak with him every couple of weeks or so either via email or phone...and I usually dream of him every few months. I don't recall what precipitated the argument or discussion we were having, but I do know that I felt very intensely about something (either for or against...I don't recall now) and my Dad essentially said I was exaggerating and embellishing and essentially fell short of saying I was lying about whatever it was we were discussing. I LOST it. I started yelling at my Dad, now completely angry...and YELLING at my Dad. Something I have only EVER done ONCE in my 40plus years in this life. And we were on the phone. And I hung up on him. The thing of it was, he was in the wrong and he did recognize that fact when we spoke later that day. I actually called him back to apologize for yelling and he actually told me I was in the right. I wish I had recorded that conversation for posterity! HAHA!

 Anyway, I woke up this morning annoyed with myself. Annoyed for yelling at my Dad. In a dream. Something that hadn't actually occurred. I suppose it's because my Dad isn't getting any younger, and I'm watching one of my dearest friends slowly lose her Father...and I keep thinking...that could just as easily be my Dad. It isn't...but it could be. (I'm not going to get into that conversation as it is one for another blog entry all on it's own. Too many emotions wrapped up there). I guess I'm annoyed with myself (or was) because every moment is sacred and should be treated as such, every moment is equally as fleeting. Savor them. I feel the need to call and apologize for something that didn't happen. That need to reach out and be reached back at.

Know what I mean?

One Last Glimpse,


Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Holy shit end of March: Babbling, Catching up and Loft Conversion possibilities.

I have no idea where March has gone. It seems to have flown past. I wish winter could take a hint from March and get lost. But unfortunately "Winter Marches on." and continues to lag about and linger on. hahaha I kill me....(sorry kids...only Duranie's will get that joke without explination. "Winter Marches On" is a song of theirs).

ANYHOO! So yes, end of March is almost upon us...winter is still hanging on out there and I've had about all I can take. The cold and the snow can go piss off and take a hike. I want the warmth and the sunshine already!!!!

You're probably thinking that I've neglected you. Again. Truth be told I haven't. I have a few blog entries here, saved as drafts. One in particular I'm just not ready to post yet. There's a heartbreaking situation going on with my nearest and dearest. I've written words, I've said silent prayers, I've written my feelings out here...saved in a draft...that I'm just not ready to post yet. It's a goodbye of sorts to someone that I'm not ready to say goodbye to yet. I will, eventually post it. I'm just not there yet. Ya know?

On a more positive bend...we're starting to look at properties again. We went to look at one lovely ranch home. Quite large...only a few things I'd want to change. Put my mark on. It's lovely. Then there is a red brick 2.5 story home that while I haven't looked at more than just online, it's quite lovely as well. There was a fire a few years ago and EVERYTHING has been redone. It's fantastic.

And then... there is "the conversion"...

There is a property on the main drag of a nearby city (where the rest of the properties are that we have looked at or are interested in). That has two store fronts as well as the space (2 floors) above them. It was built in the late 1800s so it's warehouse style/exposed brick 14 foot ceilings kind of awesome. But there is a LOT of work that would have to be done to one portion of the space as it has been woefully neglected since 1960something. Some of it is elbow grease...some would have to be ripped back to the bones and redone.

Honestly, I'm in love with this place - or the idea of what it could be. The task is daunting. There's no doubt. There's work I could do and work I couldn't. Work Alan could do, and work he couldn't. I can't climb a ladder for example. I just can't. I have an innate fear of ladders for someI'd have to get someone else in to do it. And that's where I am seeing dollar signs and what is making me sort of drag my feet and recoil backwards.

I would have no qualms with having a very basic kitchen for quite some time as long as it functions and is stable and not going to fall apart.

I guess the biggest thing before I get too many lofty (haha) ideas is to get a mortgage and get the place inspected. I'm not going to buy it if it is unstable, or if it is full of asbestos. CLEARLY. But honestly it's hard to guage some of the space because the person who owns it has it floor to tits FULL of stuff. Shelves and shelves of junk. And (just so you get an idea) the living space alone is 7700+square feet. Insanity. But for all the junk, for all the crap....I didn't see a single bug, rodent and minimal water damage. Just crap and junk.

For many years Alan and I have talked about a loft conversion appartment. I suppose even with the daunting task of what this entails is why I'm so excited about the possibility of it. I'm not going to lie, this could be awesome. I know it's going to be a long road and I know it's going to be expensive. But honestly I was thinking about it.... we're not in an all fired hurry to get to where we want to eventually be. There are priorities no doubt. We'll have to work through them. Carefully. Slowly.

I'm excited with the idea of being in our own home again. Will I be dissapointed if we don't end up in the loft conversion? Yes. But honestly, I'm just looking forward to moving. Currently we rent. And I hate it. I like the place we live, it's nice enough. Although I can't really DO anything to make it mine...if I painted it, I'd have to repaint it back when I left.

Whatever happens, happens I guess.

And then yesterday we went to see a 3D ultrasound of my niece. I can tell you, with quite a bit of pride and a WHOLE lot of bias that she is GORGEOUS. I can hardly wait until she is born. Super excited!!!!!!!!!!!

So much coming up in the next little bit that's positive -- loads of possibilities. I'll try to keep you posted!

One Last Glimpse,