Saturday, 30 July 2011


So I frequently dream about people I've met online that I've chatted to, or have gamed with, or even famous people. They say that you can't dream about someone you haven't seen/met before,  which is interesting because I'm SURE I have and I'm not sure I believe that statement... but that's an entirely different matter all together.

A few weeks ago I had a dream that myself, Rachel, Nick and John from Duran Duran were sitting on a patio somewhere (it MAY have been my Dad's house although I'm not entirely certain). We were just sitting around talking, and having some laughs. Rachel had poor Nick to the point of near passing out with hysteria, I was laughing too quite hysterically to the point of waking myself up laughing. Which by the way is a GREAT feeling, if it's never happened to you -- it's a wonderful feeling and way to start your day.

Last night I had a similar dream however this time we were in a restaurant, more like a bistro feel (it's weird I could describe the place right down to the linens and table settings if I needed to). Again it was myself, Nick and John (although I'm uncertain that Rachel was there but I'm pretty sure she was). John I don't recall saying much -- if anything. He just sat there with his Blackberry texting (or tweeting -- who knows with him). Nick and I were hysterical laughing over something -- I have no idea what either. Nick again to the point of tears, and John just smirked and grinned while he kept shaking his head. I think he thought; whatever we were laughing at; that we were both completely nuts.

I enjoy thinking about my dreams that I've had, I always have. I used to (and probably still do -- somewhere) have a book about analyzing dreams. I used to get it out every morning when I would wake up and look up the generalities of my latest dream and what (possibly) it could mean. I found it fascinating and still do.

Back in the spring the guys from Duran began posting on youtube their dreams. This was one of John's and I think it about sums up what I've been trying to say.  LOL

One last Glimpse...


Sunday, 24 July 2011

Amy Jade Winehouse - September 14, 1983 - July 23, 2011

Let me say first off the hop, I am not nor have I ever been an Amy Winehouse fan. And I'm not about to be one of those people who suddenly loves her now that she has passed.  I didn't "get" her. At all. And if I'm to be 100% honest she looked and behaved like a train wreck looking for a place to happen. HOWEVER, she was a human being that people (her family, her friends, and her fans) cared for. To be honest it sickens me that people are taking the stance of "She got what she deserved" or "She had it coming". No she didn't. It's not like she was Charlie Manson, Bin Ladin or Hitler for fuck sakes. She was a troubled, tortured woman who lost her battle with her demons. Just like many others before her, and it's very...very sad.

Billy Bragg noted on Twitter today -- "It's not just age that Hendrix, Jones, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain & Amy have in common - it's drug abuse, sadly". And I think that's very true. They all lost the battle with their demons and succumbed to the same fate and end. And to be honest, it doesn't matter if she OD'd accidentally or if she killed herself by OD or what have you. I mean yes, I suspect it may have been drug related or exacerbated by the use, but not necessarily. But sadly, in the eyes of the public that is what is assumed. She could JUST have easily had some sort of tragic slip and fall accident but some jackhole somewhere will of course say "well she must have been strung out and high" even if she wasn't. Who knows at this point. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. Maybe we'll never know. But who are you to judge?

To someone, somewhere she was a daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister, lover or friend. And how dare these people take it upon themselves to attempt to foreshadow her death and their tragic loss with assumptions and venomous words? The tragedy of the loss of a loved one is pain unlike any other. And I cannot stand that people would behave in such a manner.

Nick Rhodes blogged today about how he was saddened by Amy's passing and how she had touched his and John's life in her music and her performance that they had attended together. He also noted that she had been a "Soundtrack for a period". Mark Ronson (record producer to both Duran and Amy Winehouse) noted how he had "lost his soulmate". And my heart breaks for their loss.

I didn't "get" Amy Winehouse's music. But others that I "get", respect, idolize, and love; did. And for them, I am saddened. For them, I mourn her passing. For them, and for Amy...a fellow human being.

One Last Glimpse,


Sunday, 17 July 2011

Lose my shit...but in a good way!

About once a month since April my friend Rachel and I have gotten together once a month to watch Duran Duran videos, concerts and the like. It has been dubbed "Duranovision". We watch whatever, and through the miracles of modern technology it gets projected onto my living room wall and it is heavenly.

Last night we watched the DVD that came with my "Big Thing" boxed set. I believe the tour was called "Strange behavior" although I could be wrong. It was at a point when John was just starting his downward slide. I BELIEVE he was still with Renee but his drug use was beginning to show through. He looked gaunt, and right at the end of the show he went off for a "costume change" but really doesn't do much in the way of that. Instead he comes back and it's VERY evident that something has changed with him when he returns to the stage. Yes he's lost the shirt he's been wearing and is just wearing a jacket. But his demeanor has changed as well. Visually he had changed, and I remarked to Rach it was difficult for me to watch. BEFORE he'd gone off stage he had this slowing down aspect to him but a look of "I can get through this...". But upon his return it was a VASTLY different story...he was just vacant and completely gone. IMO, he did more than just a "costume change" backstage.

I told my husband later when he asked me how the concert was, that it was okay but there had been parts that bothered me. I said to him that I didn't understand how I couldn't or didn't understand see John's decline back then (not that there was anything I could have done about it). His response was simple and true. "You didn't want to see it". And I didn't. John was my teen crush and idol. I can see it plain as day now of course, but I definitely put blinders on when it came to John or Duran back in the day.

There is a moment however in the show that gave me a preview of how I'm going to feel when the song gets played -and that was for the Reflex. I literally had to pause it and apologize to Rachel in advance. I think I am just going to lose my effing mind. LOL

One Last Glimpse,


Friday, 15 July 2011

Gail Frances Foster Esselment

Today while I was on Twitter @JulieAnneRhodes mentioned her Mom (@JulieAnneRhodes is the ex wife of Duran's keyboardist Nick Rhodes). I tweeted her in return and said: @JulieAnneRhodes Lucky you for your "Mom time". My Mother passed away 15 years ago, I envy those who have "Mom time". Hope yours was great! xx. She replied: @cheriqui Yeah, one of those times when Mom is the only person you want around. Grateful she is around.

My Mom was a great person. She had that "Mommy smell" - that only she could smell like. A mixture of ALL laundry detergent, Caress bar soap and baby powder. Occasionally, but rarely perfume was added to the mix but she was mostly allergic so it was few and far between. If I concentrate really hard, I can conjure that smell to my memory.

My Mom raised my sister and I mostly on her own. My Dad had visitation with us and was in the picture. But Mom was the disciplinarian. Mom was there to fix what went wrong, when things went wrong. Mom was the one who kissed the boo boo's and made the closet monster go away.

I wasn't the best kid. I didn't always keep my room clean, or get great grades. I was grounded a LOT during high school. However my Mom frequently would recant her grounding saying to me "You're going to do what you want anyway Kendra...". Apparently I was headstrong as a child. My husband would say I haven't changed - cheeky bugger.

My Mom was an amazing person. I'm not saying she was perfect, she wasn't...but she WAS awesome. All my friends LOVED my Mom. She could be tough though. But I think everyone ALWAYS loves the friends parents. They always see the "cool" side of them that we as their kids don't.

Mom had this kind of laugh that even in a crowded room, restaurant or bar you could identify as hers over the din. I loved that about her and miss it very much. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I'll hear her laugh in my own. I love moments like those. It makes me feel close to her.

The fact that my Mom passed when my children were so young, and before my sister got married makes me sad. But the fact that she knew her grandchildren and they her is a grace. She also knew (and loved) my sister's husband as well, so that's good.

I miss my Mom everyday and always will. Treat your Mother like a gift and treasure. There will never be another person like them in your life and when they're gone, they will leave a void like no other.

One Last Glimpse,


Read the fuckin sign douche!

I love my job. Well, okay I LIKE my job.. I LOVE my boss. She is hands down one of the best bosses, if not THE best boss I've ever had. We get along great.

I work part time at a gas bar. Nothing terribly stressing, although surprisingly there are nights where things go to hell in a hand cart - but I'm no nuclear physicist or cardiac surgeon. LOL I can leave my work behind when I lock the door at the end of the night. And I like that.

There are a few simple, easy to follow rules that you, as the client need to know and follow. They are as follows:
(And for you non reading english folk, they're in lovely pictographs right on the side of the pump for your convenience.)

1) You are responsible to pay for your gas when you pay at the pump. If you DON'T get a receipt and it says "Please see cashier" (that's me)...PLEASE come see the fuckin cashier!! If you attempt to drive off, this is what will occur. We will get your make, model and plate of the car and call the cops. THEY will call you, you come pay. If you REFUSE to come pay, they come and GET you and you end up paying anyway.

2) Turn OFF the car when you pump. Yes, I know people who've done it and they've all lived to tell the tale. (My Mom did it...and I'm pretty sure I'm still alive) but just follow this rule and I won't have to shut down your pump or come over the PA system and embarrass you in front of everyone and tell you to turn off your car.

3) Don't let your 3 year old kid pump the gas. It's illegal and potentially child abuse. If he or she decided mid-pump to yank the hose out of the tank it could be catastrophic. Bottom line is, if you're not old enough to drive it, you're not old enough to pump it. Capiche?

4) Don't use your cell while pumping. Like seriously, come ON! If we all go kablewie, I'm going to have to kick your ass. Do you REALLY want that? Yea, me neither.

5) For the love of FUCK (and yes dear readers there are people out there who have actually done this...I've SEEN them!!) DO NOT SMOKE WHILE PUMPING GAS!! If you MUST smoke right at THAT moment....tough fucking shit, suck it up and wait.

In the 8 months of working here, I have met some outstanding folks and a couple people who truly deserve the fucktard of the year award. It's a crapshoot on a daily basis, some days good outweighs the bad, some days it's the other way round. But I guess it's the same in any job.

One Last Glimpse,


Thursday, 14 July 2011

View to A Kill

So it's my understanding 26 years ago today Bob Geldof put together some sort of trans-continental show of some sort...I dunno never heard of it... KIDDING! Today (July 13th) is the 26th anniversary of "Live Aid". For those of you living under a rock or perhaps never heard of such a beast it was one of the last times (pre-9/11) that I can think of where the world was actually quasi united under one banner. It was a concert full of amazing moments, and not so great ones. I was at my Dad's and what's FUNNY about is to be honest, for whatever reason I don't recall there being any major fan fair or media blitz regarding it. It's like I woke up one Saturday afternoon and randomly it HAPPENED to be on my television.

I remember we (for whatever reason) were watching it at my friend Jim's house (out at my Dad's). I don't know WHY we didn't watch it at my Dad's place. (My Dad's house was one of those places where everyone would gather to watch movies/tv, although NOT to hang out or party). So I'm really not entirely certain as to why we didn't watch it there, I just know...we didn't. There was about 8 or 10 of us all crowed around the Anderson's television at their cottage, watching the show. They all were eager to see Van Halen, Madonna, Journey etc....I on the other hand...although I liked those performers...only wanted to see ONE performance. You know the one I'm talking about. I don't even have to say it. They; my friends; were less than enthused.

I remember I squealed with delight when they took the stage. Staring and ogling of course. It had been a while since they had been together; they had split into Arcadia and Power Station at that point, and really unbeknownst to most, I think we all thought things were "okay" as that's the front they always maintained. They all seemed to be going well enough (or as well as could be expected - it was obvious NO ONE could hear themselves so pitch was absolutely a problem for EVERYONE) until Simon went to hit that note...and things spiraled out of control. I remember I cringed openly and I BELIEVE I even exclaimed "OH SIMON!!!" or something to that effect. It was not pretty. And like sharks, my non Duranie friends frenzied on that moment to tease me mercilessly (in good fun of course!).

Today ALSO marks the 30th anniversary of the Girls on Film video. Girls on Film was the first Duran song I ever heard (or saw), which is what started me on this path. My affection/obsession with the band. The unending desire to want to play the bass. It's not my all time favourite Duran song, but it's well up there. It IS and THEY are what caused me to want to play the bass after all.

So to you my #Duransistas and my Duranie friends I wish you all a Happy Duranniversary.
To the rest of you, to EVERYONE....I give you the immortal words of one Simon John Charles Le Bon....

Now the time has come,
the music between us
though the night seems young-
is at an end
only change will bring
you out of the darkness
in this moment everything is born again

Reach up for the sunrise
put your hands into the big sky
you can touch the sunrise
feel the new day enter your life

One Last Glimpse


Sunday, 10 July 2011

Gallimere Kids

So okay, this weekend had it's ups and downs. Mostly the ups outweighed the downs, which has been great. We arrived (my sister and I) Friday night (late) to my Dad's place. Our long time friends Leslie and Dede arrived next door before us and we were eager to see them.

Kristen and I have known Leslie and Dede (Denise) (also sisters) since we were kids and in the last few years we have attempted to make a concerted effort to make it a yearly thing to get together. We all have difficult lives or distances to travel so it makes it hard. But the last 2 years we've made it more of a priority to get together. This weekend in fact we made a pact that we'd officially do this once a year, even though I think we all had already assumed we'd get together next summer.

My issues this weekend aren't "major". No one got killed or anything, however there have been ongoing issues at my Father's house (these issues have been going on for years now, so it's nothing new).

I am not a big drinker due to my father's side of the family having alcohol issues while I was growing up. I have many memories during my younger years (7-14) that just need not have occurred, however alcohol was involved and played a significant factor in many events that I have bared witness to in my life and as such I decided many years ago that was not going to be me. That's not to say that I've never been drunk - I have and if I were to profess otherwise, there are a few who would call bullshit and quite possibly produce photographic evidence to the contrary. HOWEVER I have never been an alcoholic.

My father has been involved with someone for about 14 years now who sadly is an alcoholic. I have a huge issue with this person when they've been drinking as the behavior becomes completely inappropriate. Things have been said and done that just...are not cool. Period.

Saturday when we went to town, we stopped at the liquor store. I purchased 4 small individual sized bottles of champagne for myself (they only fill one wine glass each). Not that I intended to drink all four, however I bought them none the less.

Dinner came closer and I enjoyed one with some great conversation and laughs with our friends as well as their mother, our father and my father's partner. I had put my drinks in the fridge so they could be nice and cold (for my enjoyment). I had a second (at some point) before we all sat after dinner to play some "Liar's Dice" ( a common after dinner game played at my Dad's). In the middle of the game, I noticed my Dad's partner get up at one point and go to the kitchen, open the fridge, grab one of my small bottles, close the fridge, and then I heard the bottle open. I sat there completely gobsmacked and like 2 or 3 minutes later he came back to the table, no bottle or glass in hand. Which means, in 2 or 3 minutes he downed an entire cooler sized bottle of champagne. I went out there later, no bottle (ANYWHERE) which means he hid it so that I wouldn't notice it sitting on the counter with the recycling. I have NO clue where he put it or what he had done with it. He never asked me (nor anyone else) "Can I have"...had he I would have said yes. If I had done something like THAT he would have pitched a fit. It's not like it's an expensive bottle or anything but the whole idea. It was sneaky and rude. We went to bed at about 2, and when I got up this morning at 10am, the final and 4th bottle was sitting (empty) on the counter. I knew who had drank it. And it wasn't me.

On the upside of things we had a great visit. It's been different this time because for the first time in a long time the only "outside interference" has been my Dad's partner. It almost like it was just Dad, Kristen and I - Nancy, Leslie and Dede which it hasn't been in so long, it's been great. Dad's partner hasn't been around THAT much so it's almost been like old times. And that was wonderful. Aside from a few hiccups it was great.

I've missed my husband dearly, I've missed my kids (although I'll never repeat that) and my cats (and of COURSE Rio!!) But over all, I had fun. I was looking forward to coming home, and glad now that I'm here and that I went to my Dad's this weekend. I'll miss my friends until next year, but on the other side of the coin...there IS always next year.

One Last Glimpse,


Thursday, 7 July 2011

I'm sorry... you're what now????

So a friend of mine are talking tonight on Facebook, and we're chit chatting via facebook inbox about various topics as we do almost every night before we go to bed. And she informs me that another acquaintance of ours (I've NEVER met this girl, she has...ONCE) has decided that when Duran comes to town (presumably Toronto). That the three of us are going together. Ummmm what?

If she wants to go, fine. But...she's not coming with us. This night, this event, this moment is for US. Period. For her to insinuate herself into the situation is rather...presumptuous. If she wants to meet for drinks before the show (as we FULLY plan to with another Duranie friend of ours) that's TOTALLY fine. And I'm all for that. But I'm sorry, my plans...our plans, are OURS. SHIT my HUSBAND won't even insinuate himself into our pilgrimage to see the guys, wtf makes her think it's okay for her to do so? And I know, that makes me sound like SUCH a bitch, but seriously... SERIOUSLY. No. Just...No.

And I'm not MAD that she has said this, I'm just shaking my head at the whole situation. It's stupid I know, but this is OUR time. And really, I don't even KNOW this chick. There's a huge back story issue with it all, that I'm not going to get into. But, I just... I don't get it. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should...but like...honestly??? No. lol.

What's stupid is the girl we're supposed to meet for drinks (whom we've only JUST met recently via twitter), I feel like I have more in common with HER than with this other person whom I've known for 2 years now via Rachel and some other friends. And I'm SUPER eager to meet her, she's just a sweetheart, and of course a Duranie!!!  It's just all stupid. lol. And I may even be making something out of nothing, who the hell even knows! We don't even have a date. So beats the hell out of me.

That's not to say I don't want to meet this other woman, I do. And I'm sure she's as lovely in person as she is on facebook. But like... I dunno. I feel like she's just invited herself over for dinner or something. It's just rubbed me the wrong way. And I'm sure if I said something (or if Rach said something) she'd be like Oh yea no problem! And it wouldn't be...but like...GRRRrrr!! LOL

One Last Glimpse,


Monday, 4 July 2011

You built a time machine....out of a DeLorean???

This next blog has nothing to do with 80's movies, nor does it have anything to do with Michael J. Fox, or the DeLorean. I just liked the idea of the title.

I'm currently (as I scribe this into my book to later transpose to the internet) sitting at work basking in the sun that is streaming in the window as it does at this time of night.

I am perched in my chair while customers come and go. I'm listening to the dulcet tones of one Simon John Charles LeBon trying to convince me about how lovely it would be to escape the dread and drear of everyday and go to Mediterranea. He believes, they believe, I believe. It's win/win!

Does it sadden you to know I pre-write my blogs? It shouldn't. They're still meant with the same amount of love, fun and sarcasm as always. Besides it keeps me from filming a remake of "Union of the Snake" while I'm here at work. Idle hands devil's playground sort of thing. Although the video remake sounds like a LAUGH.

Oh and don't ask me what my fixation about the idea of a remake of the Union of the Snake video is. I have no clue. Especially since there's no fucking jet pack in that video (it's in Wild Boys I believe). And yet I'm always saying Union has a jet pack. Maybe that's what it's missing. Who knows. Jet packs for all I say!!

On a tangent...What is it with men wearing black knee socks with shorts and sandals??? I know that's a random thing, but's just WRONG! Don't do it. Please. Be kind. Think of the children.

I'm off work a sizable portion of this coming week. Which is so nice since it's nice weather, and I'd like to play my bass some, as well as spend time with family and friends. Love that.

I enjoy this time of year. It's my favourite. Spring and fall are pretty, I don't MIND winter as long unless it goes on twice as long as it needs to. Then it just becomes annoying.

I have no clue what the concept of this particular blog was about. Just mad ramblings I guess. But you know sometimes it's good to get off the beaten path.

Roads...where we're going we don't need...roads. (Just an FYI - In my book here I've written "Roads" as "Rhodes"....Go fig.)

One Last Glimpse,


The Boob Squish...

So I had my very first mammogram a week or so ago. For those of you who don't know, my Mom passed away from cancer, which to be honest is one of my biggest fears. I watched my Mom struggle, and eventually die very slowly and very painfully, and there wasn't in the end anything I could do to help her. I held her hand, I told her that I loved her. And was there with the rest of my family the morning she drew her last breaths.

I thought from that moment I would be addled with anxiety when it was my turn for my mammogram. And when my doctor first mentioned it and we discussed it a couple months ago, I said to her I was anxious about it. To which she was completely sympathetic and understood completely.

I have to admit I really wasn't anxious at all the day of, like I thought I would be. I was actually surprisingly calm. I think my friend Rachel was more nervous for me than I was. I had a vision of being a slobbering bawling basket case and I wasn't.

There's an urban myth out there that a mammogram is the worst pain ever. And maybe if you have tiny boobs it's true. But speaking as a very. VERY. VERY blessed woman, other than the little gymnast poses they have you do (I hope I nailed my dismount but the russian judge gave me dirty looks so I'm not sure) it's really NOT that bad.

It wasn't because (btw) the doctor found something that I went in for. She felt with my family history it would be better to get in there early (I AM 40 and all). Preventative measures and caution are always a good thing.

My suggestion to you dear reader is have yourself checked. Whatever that might be, or how much you might dread it. Having it checked and having it done (it ONLY takes like 20 minutes in and out) is better than dead.

One Last Glimpse,


Are you completely mental?

I think it's easy for people to pass judgement sometimes on famous people. I mean yes, okay, sometimes they're easy marks, cannon fodder and an opportunity is just too easy to resist, but sometimes its just not called for.I'm sure there ARE times where the rich and famous can throw money at a problem and voila - problem solved. But sometimes, it's just not that easy. Sometimes not only does money not buy happiness, it can't fix everything or anything when you most wish it could.

I avoid reading the Facebook Duran Duran wall now. Whenever I can really, because it truly sickens me and disgusts me how rude people can be. There are "fans" out there who would rather see Simon run the risk of harming his voice further or permanently simply because they've spent money. I'm sorry but if you built a trip going to a completely different country based only on the health of 1 man without putting in place insurance, then I have zero sympathies.

I just don't understand the logic ya know? I mean seriously you'd rather he cause further harm? This is how the man makes his livelihood, and has done for 30 years now. It is his soul. It is such a huge part of who he is. And for those "fans" that feel it would be okay for him to take that risk...just really need to go away and never have the audacity to refer to themselves as "Duranies" ever again. Okay, so that sounds a little...over protective soccer Mom-ish. And maybe it is, but I mean seriously, come on now. I think we're lucky he's NOT the kind of person to press his luck and run the risk of further damage. At least he knows enough to say screw you, and cancel when he needs to. Okay, not in those words "screw you" although he easily could, and I could see him saying that too. Simon is very vocal - in all manifestations, it's part of who he is, and I wouldn't blame him if he did.

And while I'm discussing members here, let me make something crystal clear. I don't hate ANY member of Duran past or current. There are members who have...burned bridges and exited Duran less than gracefully. Members who have been given countless chances but have decided to shit them, and their talent away. I don't hate Andy Taylor. There I've said it. He had his place within the legacy that is Duran Duran. He was a crucial, pivotal member in the band's history. Does he have talent? Yes, obviously. But the fact remains he comes off as unapologetic, drugged out, negative, alcoholic. It certainly seems as if he has no remorse or apology for any issues that have befallen the band in the bast that he is responsible for. If he is apologetic, he certainly doesn't seem that way. Unfortunately all that remains of Andy Taylor is seemingly that he is more of a punchline of a joke than anything else. And that's unfortunate.

And then there's Warren Cuccurullo. Whom I don't like. I never did. Yes, okay, Warren too was a pivotal member, and he can play. But the arrogance, is just too much. What IS it with guitarists all thinking that they're God's gift and being complete nut jobs?? Seriously, step off and let the bass God through. THEN we can compare dick sizes.

The "newest" member of Duran Duran - Dom Brown seems to be a stable, and dare I even say "normal" guitarist. It's my understanding he has no problem playing Warren's guitar licks which reportedly (according to Warren and a few other interviews I've read with other people) Andy had issues with upon his reunion with the band in 2004. Mind you I'm not sure that Andy's issues playing the guitar at that point didn't have more to do with the bottle. Various stories and interviews would point towards the latter than the former. But truthfully it's all hearsay and conjecture.

They've seemingly all had issues (who hasn't?) in the past. Drugs, alcohol, car wrecks, near death boating experiences, divorce, miscarriages, voice muscle issues - whatever does it really matter? Not in the long run. It's part of life. You either learn from the issues/mistakes and move on or you become stagnant and get left behind. Be a functioning part of society, with us or against us, but by the Gods make a choice or get the hell out of the way.

This is OUR Planet Earth.He's OUR Simon. He's OUR Charlie. And he'll sing when he's good God Duranned ready to and not a moment before. Get over it.

One Last Glimpse,


Anxiety attack?? ME???!

Okay, so you're reading this blog. I KNOW you're reading this blog. I've sent you here TO read this blog. However, I recently sent a story to another friend of mine that will (eventually) be published in a book. I knew that going into it when I submitted it. So why am I so anxiety ridden about it now? I don't have an answer for that.

I happened to text message this same friend this afternoon while I was at work to see how her night went last night. When she informed me that she was in the throws of editing my submission. I panicked My breath came quick and short, my heart pounded in my chest. I kind of laughed it off and said I hoped she enjoyed what she read and left it at that.

Up until now, unless it was for school, the only person to read my stuff has either been my friend Rachel or my husband. (School work REALLY doesn't count) I had slight reservation about sending people here to read, but I didn't feel this new feeling that I have just encountered. And to be honest, I don't know why I feel this way.

Rachel reminded me that the end game is to have "Them" read this book. Which sent me into a new tail spin. I knew that going in to this, but had forgotten. Does this mean I'm pulling my story? No, absolutely no. Rachel pointed out to me "Everybody shits". And yes, that's true, but I still was a little addled by the whole thought. And if I think about it too much, I still am. I guess if I had just let everyone and anyone read my stuff, I would be okay. But truth be told, I'm not.

It seems weird that I'd be this way. I guess I just want people to enjoy what I've written, maybe have a laugh, shed a tear or what have you. I guess the bottom line is I don't want someone to think it sucks. As I've said I'm not going to pull my story. To be honest, I think it's some of the best stuff I've ever written and I'm quite proud of it. And as odd as this sounds, I WANT it to be read. I WANT them to read it. But cutting those apron strings is hard. Maybe that's what I need to do, is just let go. And I will, if I don't hyperventilate and pass out first.

One Last Glimpse.