Jealousy and Mamma Bear mode

My youngest daughter has begun communications with her biological mother. I am mad, concerned and saddened by this turn of events. Not mad at my daughter, I understand her curiosity, I get that...I do. I'm worried about the things her biological mother is telling her. Yes, my daughter is an adult -- but it's not that simple. Her biological mother; by all accounts; is a cause for concern. There's a mental disconnect there which perpetuates lies, expanded truths, half truths and full on fantasy. I'm uncertain; to be honest; exactly how much of what comes out of this woman's mouth is truth at all.

I guess my problem is that, considering of how my daughter's life; up until we came into it; was I don't want her to fall backwards into that upset again. She was mistreated, stepped on, used, ignored, abused -- and I'm concerned that the pattern will repeat itself to some degree with the introduction of her biological mother. And if I'm being completely honest, I don't think she could handle being shattered again. I realize she's physically an adult, but she's naive and of course hoping the best of this relationship even though I'm imagining the worst. Maybe that's on me, maybe it's my problem and it's unwarranted. Maybe she won't hurt her again, but whoa betide her if she does.

I understand the want from my daughter to know where she came from. I get that she wants to be able to say "this is what my history is" and has made her part of who she is. I understand that, I really do. But unfortunately the answers aren't that easy. Maybe my problem is that I feel like I should be enough for her, and I'm not. But then part of me says it's not about me and something I can't fulfill in my daughter. It's something I will never have, and I can do nothing about that. I suppose the only thing I can do is sit back and watch and wait. And IF my daughter needs to be picked back up and put back together at the end of the day because of this woman, that's the job I'll have to do. It's all I can do. It's what a mother does.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

I can't sleep

This is a fascinating concept to me. Somehow, some strange way -- to me... it make sense, and I like it. I'm not sure why, but it does and I do. Currently it's 3:05am, and I am (obviously) wide awake. I wish I wasn't. Not because I have to work tomorrow (I don't) or I have somewhere to be (I don't) or even because I have things to or accomplish tomorrow (I don't). I just don't like to not be able to sleep. It bothers me. So, for as much as I like the idea of this legend...it bothers me that I can't sleep. Does that even make any sense what so ever? Probably not. 

I've got lots of ideas the last few days for writing. Plot points, dialogue for different things I'm working on. Some with actual potential -- some just... fluff... that I don't think will ever go anywhere. But I use it as a tool to grow and learn, so I write it down. Some are poems. Not that they'll ever get used in books or stories (I don't think). But they come to me, and I'm compelled to write them down to "get them out there" as it were. Like this one:

Kiss me with passion,
Caution to the wind.
Love's heart full,
Tomorrow's questions answered.
With a knowing glance,
Full of wisdom.
Guide me home,
To your life.
To your love.
Where we will be one.


I have no idea what it means... but hey, there you go.

Or this one:

Lost in tomorrow,
The hopes and dreams,
Amazing finds,
Of yesterday's magic.
Away with the negative.
Ushering in a new,
Adventure in the wings,
Waiting for the dawn.
Bringing chance, change and promise,
And light to a forgotten shadow.


Both written tonight, by me just randomly.

Anyway, just thought I'd check in -- let you know I'm not dead or forgotten about you guys. Going to go see Def Leppard on Tuesday, so I'm SURE I'll have something to post again later this week. Be good!


One Last Glimpse,

~K 
 

Early morning ramblings

I've been writing again...but not on the things I had been working on, but new things. I guess with spring comes new inspirations. I've now got 5 or 6 things on the go; some have REAL potential to be... SOMETHING; some are just little snippets or "visual" writings. (A "visual" writing is something written in a manner so graphic you can't help but see the entire thing in your imagination. I term is widely used in the fan fiction genre -- mostly used for characters having sex with one another. Something over the years I've become VERY good at...LOL -- *cough* "the story" *cough (if you don't know what "the story" is... remind me to enlighten you sometime). Although with my newly found free time (not working) -- that's okay to have so many things on the go.. I guess I can take care of that. I'm hoping at some point I'll finish...SOMETHING and have it published. Maybe before my 50th. Maybe that should be my goal. Maybe I'm expecting it to come far faster than it should. The writing, not my 50th....Just to be clear.

I'm still speaking to the person I hadn't been speaking to, but am now speaking to again at least via FB. So, I guess that's something positive. We've got a long, long way to go to have any semblance of a healthy friendship - but I suppose talking is a step towards that. But -- both parties have to be willing. And I am...with reservation - but, I still don't know if she is. And maybe she doesn't know. I don't have that answer. Out of all our friendship faults, and our own faults... she's been there at times I've needed her. I can't dispute that fact. Has our friendship always been a healthy one? No. I can't dispute that fact either. Was she always to blame? No, I did my fair share of things to hurt and harm our friendship over the years. Could I have tried harder? Sure, who couldn't. Could she? Yes. Of course. I guess at the end of the day, after sinking 20+ years into a friendship I'm just not willing to let it go without a fight. We're still vastly different people at the end of the day, but if it doesn't work out...at least I'm able to say I did EVERYTHING to try to sort this shit out.

I'm running on about 3 hours sleep today, no real reason for my random wake up in the middle of the night. Although I'd wager it has something to do with the cats. They just seem to infiltrate the bed and take it over.  I can't speak for later, but currently I'm not tired. In fact, quite the opposite. I'm awake, cheerful and alert. I don't know how I'll be come noon, but for now... I feel pretty damn good. Could I possibly be becoming a *gasp* MORNING person???

Nahhhh.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Happy Easter

I've got the makings for yet another story into the fire. I don't know if I can keep up this pace though. The last few days I feel like I'm "en pointe" twenty four seven. Like, I don't know how to turn the muses off. I'm loving the positive creative energies but sometimes I feel like my brain is scattered and I'm being pulled in multiple directions at once. Last night was the first time I've slept well in days. Like all the muses are speaking at once, vying for attentions for each different writing. New writings. And they're good. They're very good. At least, I think so. I suppose only time will tell.

I spoke to my former friend (what a stupid way to have to put it) via FB this week because her Aunt had passed away. I wouldn't have been me had I not extended my condolences to her. We spoke back and forth a little and now it's all gone to radio silence again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I missed speaking to her, but I'm not going to rehash things that she isn't, can't or won't help me fix. I am unwilling to accept responsibility for things that are NOT my fault. Friendship is a two way street and I have been more than willing to be accommodating in my changing. We are still ever tragically locked at a stalemate, and I don't think that's going to be fixed anytime soon. And maybe that's the way things are meant to be, remaining on the fringes of each others lives. I wish her peace and to be well.

I spent a LOVELY afternoon yesterday (rather unexpectedly) with my dear BFF. We went and had our nails done, and even bought matching purses (different colours). I know, it's silly -- but we had a great time. We always do. She'd been away on vacation, so catching up was just what we both needed I think. I know I sure did! I'm feeling rejuvenated today and I'm fairly sure she's part of the reason behind it. I missed her terribly while she was away. Even though we texted everyday, we missed our weekly ritual of going out to lunch. It was nice to get back into the groove.

Anyway, looking forward to spending some time with family this weekend. The weather seems to be warming up (FINALLY) and I hope that each of you have a lovely weekend. 

Happy Easter (if you celebrate). If not... happy weekend!

One Last Glimpse,

~K

The end of the road....

So, I've given my notice. Final. No takesies backsies. I'm just tired of the assholes that come through here thinking that I'm worse than a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe. The rudeness of some people because either they feel entitled to behave in such a manner, or they feel that somehow it's MY fault the price of gas is the way it is. Yes, it's a closely guarded secret that I have some evil monopoly over the price of gas and while you suckers are paying 1.05$ per litre, secretly I'm only paying .50cents. Morons. I'm going to miss the shit out of  my boss when I leave though. That's the one major downside.

I've been sick the last 2 days. Just with a cold, nothing major - it's not like it's ebola or anything, but it's seriously been kicking my ass. And of course, I'm working. I tell you this shit is like clockwork, it never fails. Oh well, at least I don't have my period... that was LAST weekend and a shit show all on its own. (Don't even get me started!)

We still haven't bought a house yet, although we've decided we're doing it this year. At least, that's the plan. I've seen a few that I like, I seem to be drawn to the large victorian style homes. Neither of the two that are my favourites at the moment are here in London, both are in different cities or towns. Which is fine as well as far as I'm concerned. Anyone I want or need to go see is still travelable by car. And of course, Alan loves the victorian style homes too. I think what I like most about them is the high ceilings. I never feel clostrophobic in them, they always bring me a sense of relief. So we'll see where we go from here. Who knows where we might end up. I know where I DON'T want to be, and I know what I'm looking for. Now we just play the waiting game and see what we can find.

My friend who had moved here from out west moved back to Vancouver. He wasn't happy here. I can respect that. In my opinion he didn't even try to make himself happy here, and by his own admission told people before he even left there that he would be back - so I'm not sure what the point of him moving here was for anyway. But, that's fine. I just want him to be happy. And if he's happier out west, so be it. I'm certainly not about to make you stay if you're unhappy.

I'm not any closer to finishing my book, nor have I painted in a dogs age. I'm hoping with the nicer weather coming that inspiration will strike and all that will be a thing of the past. Time to shake off the winter blahs and cobwebs and strike out of the cocoon.

One Last Glimpse,



~K

Poem time...

I have a creative buzz lingering just beneath the skin

I can feel it buzzing, itching, yearning to scratch it's way to the surface

Itching, twitching, needing to break through and be free

Of the confines of my mind.

To have it's own voice, tell it's own story, soliloquy and grand solo

Be enraptured in its own being

Captivating others to be one within it

To breathe in and make themselves a part of it.

Journeying forward and enhancing the world,

Bringing forth a new sense of joy, life, love and peace

Ushering in a new thought process and level of being.

A thing of greatness, beauty. A thing unlike no other the world has ever seen.

All within the confines of my mind, aching to make it's escape.

Feb 4/2015 KMC

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Welcome 2015... What the fresh hell?? DO OVER!!!

To say that the tail end of 2014 sucked and the beginning of 2015 started out of the gate with a lame ass stumble barrel roll would be an understatement. One of my kids almost getting hit buy car, Cats ditching at least two lives by getting nudged by a car (both kid and cat survived... not the same car... two separate days). COUNTLESS other acts of random, out of the blue surprises and accidents. It was crazy. New Years Day evening even found me in the hospital with a DIFFERENT child of mine. By yesterday (the 2nd) I was demanding a do over.

So now, after a few evenings of reflection and calm and collected relaxation -- things seemed to have calmed down and be more even keeled. I've been dreaming very surreal, in depth, full on saga like dreams since the new year as well. Very detailed and honestly, would make brilliant novels or movies/mini series. I hope they continue, I have felt very well rested after these dreams. So that's good (at least for me) as well.

I have many hopes for this year. First and foremost being that I'd like to find and buy a new house and move. I'm hoping by the middle of the summer at the latest if not sooner. I'm uncertain as to where but I don't think it will be too terribly far from where I am now. I'm not sure I'm going to continue working where I am, but if I do -- it will be out of choice, not requirement. I just want to be able to redecorate and paint if I choose to. Where I am now; because we rent; while I COULD paint...I would have to put it back when I moved out. Plus we have carpet (which I hate!) and would love to put down laminate or hard wood, but again...cannot.

Anyway dear readers, I hope 2015 finds you well... and brings to you many blessings, lots of white light and oodles of luck. I will endevour to write more than I have, but make no promises.

As always

One Last Glimpse,

~K