Ramblings - Just me

Most of the time I feel like a square peg in a round hole. Or vice versa. I don't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. I have lots of friends, but I think only a true few actually "get" me. This is a song I know I've sang before. I feel awkward and often like an outsider or "not cool enough". I get upset with myself when people get upset with me and still to this day will turn myself into something I'm not in a vain attempt to fit in, even if it's only for a little while.

I think the worst possible feeling for me is when I can't please everyone. It about breaks me. It's an obsession that no matter how hard and how much I try, or how much I want to... I can't change that about myself. And the rational side of me knows - you can't please everyone all the time. I know that. Deep down at my core - I know this... and yet - I can't help myself. If I forget about someone or something - piss them off, or Gods forbid disappoint someone. The more I care about the person, the more that's it for me. I suppose that's only natural really if I stop and think about it.

I used to go into a spiral and shut down. Now, I just become very sad and disappointed with myself until I can snap myself out of it. I know it's not healthy, I wish I could stop myself...but I can't. It's just who and how I'm built. It's difficult not to do it, and I'll admit I am better than I used to be...but sometimes I just can't help it.

And I've seen all those 80s movies that shows how even the "cool kids" feel like they don't fit in sometimes, and how their world falls apart if they disappoint someone. and you'd think at 42 I'd be okay with me and would have stopped feeling this way. Apparently not.

I'm not looking for sympathies - I'm just venting...and opening up to you about who I am and how I tick.

One Last Glimpse,

~K