Most of the time I feel like a square peg in a round hole. Or vice
versa. I don't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. I have lots of
friends, but I think only a true few actually "get" me.
This is a song I know I've sang before. I feel awkward and often like
an outsider or "not cool enough". I get upset with myself
when people get upset with me and still to this day will turn myself
into something I'm not in a vain attempt to fit in, even if it's only
for a little while.
I think the worst possible feeling for me is when I can't please
everyone. It about breaks me. It's an obsession that no matter how
hard and how much I try, or how much I want to... I can't change that
about myself. And the rational side of me knows - you can't please
everyone all the time. I know that. Deep down at my core - I know
this... and yet - I can't help myself. If I forget about someone or
something - piss them off, or Gods forbid disappoint someone. The
more I care about the person, the more that's it for me. I suppose that's only natural really if I stop and think about it.
I used to go
into a spiral and shut down. Now, I just become very sad and
disappointed with myself until I can snap myself out of it. I know
it's not healthy, I wish I could stop myself...but I can't. It's just
who and how I'm built. It's difficult not to do it, and I'll admit I
am better than I used to be...but sometimes I just can't help it.
And I've seen all those 80s movies that shows how even the "cool
kids" feel like they don't fit in sometimes, and how their world
falls apart if they disappoint someone. and you'd think at 42 I'd be
okay with me and would have stopped feeling this way. Apparently
not.
I'm not looking for sympathies - I'm just venting...and opening up
to you about who I am and how I tick.
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Geeky gamer girl
I've always been a geek gamer girl. My husband and I met in high school
and even when we were dating, we played pen and paper D&D together.
It only made sense once the internet came along, and MMORPGs came into
the picture that we would move to an online game.
Some of you may be thinking to yourself D&D? MMORwhaa??? Well, let me explain. D&D is Dungeons and Dragons. It's all done with pen, paper, dice and imagination. Sometimes with little maps and figurines but rarely with costumes. I KID. Well... mostly. Sometimes it goes full on "Big Bang Theory" but I've never been a part of those groups - although I know they do exist. MMORPG stands for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It's where thousands of other people from all over the world log into a game and play at the same time. They can group together and do quests and kill things. Kind of like Castleville, but with actual interaction and not having to wait 20 minutes for someone to send you a piece of cloth.
But I digress...
My husband and I took a temporary split for a couple of years, during that time EverQuest (AKA 'EQ') was released and my husband bought the game. He began playing, and when we reconcilled I can remember watching him play for the first time. He was getting a "port" to "G-Fay" (Greater Faydark) from "The Commonlands". He (or his character) had done something to fall "out of favour" with the druids so he was standing off to the side away from them so he wouldn't be attacked. He began to explain to me the game and I was amazed. He was on his way to attend an in-game wedding (yes people can and often do "marry" one another, or at least their characters do - it's all a role playing thing) at this Paladin guild in Felwithe. My mind reeled as he quickly ran the path through "G-Fay" heading to this place called Felwithe. He had me "drive" his "toon" while he told me where to go, and how to get there (ha,ha). And that; as they say; was that.
For me to say that we went out directly after the wedding festivities were over to get my own copy of "EQ" so that I could create my own account and play, would not be an understatement. I was amazed and instantly engrossed in this game. Mind = blown.
I can remember arriving at Electronic Boutique (now known as EB Games - I believe it's called Game Stop in the states) to see a myriad of other people shopping for computer and console games. I remember seeing one young fellow (about mid 20s or so, not much younger than I) standing holding the very LAST copy of EQ in his hands that the store had to offer, while he also held a copy of "Dark Ages of Camalot" (or DAOC) in his other hand. While he debated and weighed his options, I used my best jedi mind trick to persuade him in the direction of DAOC. I guess it must have worked because he put EverQuest back on the shelf and walked away with Dark Ages of Camalot. If memory serves I quickly snatched it off the shelf where he had put it and quickly walked up to the cash register before he could change his mind. SCORE!
We went home, forgoing getting me a new desk that night (We had just recently moved back in together and I had no desk to speak of, my computer had sat on a TV table for the better part of 2 weeks) as I was eager to install and create my character. On September 21, 2001 one high elf cleric to rule them all...Cheriqui Honeypies was "born".
I have spent countless hours in these online games. Early mornings and late nights. I won't lie, just like Farmville, Castleville or Candycrush -- it can be addicting. I've seen marriages be destroyed by these games, lies, cheating, but I've also seen friendships and true love blossom out of these games.
I'm not a bar going person, so this was and is my outlet. My social scene before Facebook came along.
I've
have had the privilege of meeting a few wonderful people during my
gaming "career". People I truly call friend both in game and out. We've
moved from game to game together, laughed together and even cried
together - hell we've even traveled together in a couple of cases! It's
been an experience I certainly would not trade for the world.
Recently, SOE (Sony Online Entertainment) announced their latest endeavors into the realm of EverQuest called "EverQuest Next: Landmark" and "EverQuest Next". These have been long talked about "sequels" to EverQuest and EverQuest II. The release dates for these are within reach (I hope!) and I for one can hardly wait!! I am (and forever shall be) obsessed with the lands of Norrath even though I have played many other games since I began playing EQ, and the lands of Norrath themselves have gone through vast changes since I began playing 12 years ago (level upgrades, graphics upgrades) but it still feels like "home" when I log in.
I don't play as often as I used to. The folks who really made the gaming world for me are currently playing other games, but the moment this new game was announced for the EverQuest franchise - all of my old friends were in touch and were excited about the prospect of going back to some new "old" familiar hunting grounds. We'll have to see what happens when this all comes out, but I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. This geeky gamer girl needs a fix!!!
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Some of you may be thinking to yourself D&D? MMORwhaa??? Well, let me explain. D&D is Dungeons and Dragons. It's all done with pen, paper, dice and imagination. Sometimes with little maps and figurines but rarely with costumes. I KID. Well... mostly. Sometimes it goes full on "Big Bang Theory" but I've never been a part of those groups - although I know they do exist. MMORPG stands for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. It's where thousands of other people from all over the world log into a game and play at the same time. They can group together and do quests and kill things. Kind of like Castleville, but with actual interaction and not having to wait 20 minutes for someone to send you a piece of cloth.
But I digress...
My husband and I took a temporary split for a couple of years, during that time EverQuest (AKA 'EQ') was released and my husband bought the game. He began playing, and when we reconcilled I can remember watching him play for the first time. He was getting a "port" to "G-Fay" (Greater Faydark) from "The Commonlands". He (or his character) had done something to fall "out of favour" with the druids so he was standing off to the side away from them so he wouldn't be attacked. He began to explain to me the game and I was amazed. He was on his way to attend an in-game wedding (yes people can and often do "marry" one another, or at least their characters do - it's all a role playing thing) at this Paladin guild in Felwithe. My mind reeled as he quickly ran the path through "G-Fay" heading to this place called Felwithe. He had me "drive" his "toon" while he told me where to go, and how to get there (ha,ha). And that; as they say; was that.
For me to say that we went out directly after the wedding festivities were over to get my own copy of "EQ" so that I could create my own account and play, would not be an understatement. I was amazed and instantly engrossed in this game. Mind = blown.
I can remember arriving at Electronic Boutique (now known as EB Games - I believe it's called Game Stop in the states) to see a myriad of other people shopping for computer and console games. I remember seeing one young fellow (about mid 20s or so, not much younger than I) standing holding the very LAST copy of EQ in his hands that the store had to offer, while he also held a copy of "Dark Ages of Camalot" (or DAOC) in his other hand. While he debated and weighed his options, I used my best jedi mind trick to persuade him in the direction of DAOC. I guess it must have worked because he put EverQuest back on the shelf and walked away with Dark Ages of Camalot. If memory serves I quickly snatched it off the shelf where he had put it and quickly walked up to the cash register before he could change his mind. SCORE!
We went home, forgoing getting me a new desk that night (We had just recently moved back in together and I had no desk to speak of, my computer had sat on a TV table for the better part of 2 weeks) as I was eager to install and create my character. On September 21, 2001 one high elf cleric to rule them all...Cheriqui Honeypies was "born".
I have spent countless hours in these online games. Early mornings and late nights. I won't lie, just like Farmville, Castleville or Candycrush -- it can be addicting. I've seen marriages be destroyed by these games, lies, cheating, but I've also seen friendships and true love blossom out of these games.
I'm not a bar going person, so this was and is my outlet. My social scene before Facebook came along.
 |
| The Prelate herself: Mistress Cheriqui Honeypies |
Recently, SOE (Sony Online Entertainment) announced their latest endeavors into the realm of EverQuest called "EverQuest Next: Landmark" and "EverQuest Next". These have been long talked about "sequels" to EverQuest and EverQuest II. The release dates for these are within reach (I hope!) and I for one can hardly wait!! I am (and forever shall be) obsessed with the lands of Norrath even though I have played many other games since I began playing EQ, and the lands of Norrath themselves have gone through vast changes since I began playing 12 years ago (level upgrades, graphics upgrades) but it still feels like "home" when I log in.
I don't play as often as I used to. The folks who really made the gaming world for me are currently playing other games, but the moment this new game was announced for the EverQuest franchise - all of my old friends were in touch and were excited about the prospect of going back to some new "old" familiar hunting grounds. We'll have to see what happens when this all comes out, but I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later. This geeky gamer girl needs a fix!!!
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Writing, weird dreams and winter. Oh my!
I feel like I'm going through a change. (No, not that change... that's a few years off I suspect). A metamorphosis if you will. I can feel myself changing, growing both mentally and metaphysically. I can't explain it. It just...is. I wouldn't say I'm evolving...but at the same time I would. Learning, growing, broadening my mind and stretching my wings.
Many have said there's a revolution afoot. And I'm not so sure I'd disagree. It's a time for change. Change in the way we think, change in the way we work, an artistic revolution...a peaceful revolution. Out with the old, and in with the new. Time to take a risk, take a chance and dare to dream. Perhaps even return to an ancient way of thinking with a modern twist. Everything else has been tried...why not try a way of things that hasn't been tried in a millennium or more. But with the technologies and thought processes and knowledge of today. A rebirth and revolution is afoot and that may just be the key.
I'm slowly writing again. Something I've not done in a while. I've missed it. But my writing 'voice' has changed. Switched focus and matured. But not here on my blog...These are still as I have pretty much always written them. Just as if we were talking, carrying on a conversation. Only, I'm the one doing all the talking. Savvy?
I like the direction things are going with my writing, I can see a shape forming and I like it. I've got a direction again. The winds of inspiration are blowing again, the muses and I are back on speaking terms...and that's a good thing. I feel alive...which is funny considering the world (in my neck of the woods) is in the throws of going into it's winter slumber.
On a very slight (MASSIVE) topic tangent... let me speak about my dream I had last night. Last night's dreams were completely weird. Even for me. I dreampt of some twisted sort of "Hunger Games" (almost literally) that my husband was involved in. The final task being some sort of eating contest involving cannibalism, but it was supposed to be 'okay' because the person who they were supposed to dine upon had donated their body when they passed (and had passed naturally). The body had been 'prepared' (read: cooked and literally prepared for eating). It was some sort of honour by the sounds of things and when I questioned my husband, reminding him that he was eating an actual person (that he would have to chew, swallow and keep down) -- he seemed fine with it because it was for a lot of money (10 million dollars or something) and prestige and the person who he was eating had died and donated his body specifically for that purpose. "It's not like he was murdered or anything like that". Apparently, that was supposed to make all of it okay.Talk about taking one for the team!! YUCK!
Then I was in some sort of body shop or garage and there was this stream running down the center of it, there were these little rabbit holes that had cats poking their heads out of them. They were just sort of sitting there just looking around. I remember when I crossed this stream I was barefoot and had to step into the water, but when I stepped out...there was a leach on my foot. I sat down and was picking leaches off my feet and off of other people's feet as well. I have no idea what that meant.
And then there was some sort of quiddich/american football/basketball type game without brooms that was going on. These people dressed in football uniforms flying up and down this football sized field, indoors in the dark (with spot lights), trying to put foot balls through these hoops that hung all along the sides of the field and one at each end. If you got a basket touchdown on the side hoops you got 2 points, one in the end? You got 5. But the players flew....without brooms. Weiiiiiiiird!
For the record, no...I neither drank nor smoked ANYTHING before going to bed.
This is all me - au naturel. SCARY!
Anyway, I think that's it for now. Some exciting things coming up in the next week or so, but I'll save those for some other entries.
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Many have said there's a revolution afoot. And I'm not so sure I'd disagree. It's a time for change. Change in the way we think, change in the way we work, an artistic revolution...a peaceful revolution. Out with the old, and in with the new. Time to take a risk, take a chance and dare to dream. Perhaps even return to an ancient way of thinking with a modern twist. Everything else has been tried...why not try a way of things that hasn't been tried in a millennium or more. But with the technologies and thought processes and knowledge of today. A rebirth and revolution is afoot and that may just be the key.
I'm slowly writing again. Something I've not done in a while. I've missed it. But my writing 'voice' has changed. Switched focus and matured. But not here on my blog...These are still as I have pretty much always written them. Just as if we were talking, carrying on a conversation. Only, I'm the one doing all the talking. Savvy?
I like the direction things are going with my writing, I can see a shape forming and I like it. I've got a direction again. The winds of inspiration are blowing again, the muses and I are back on speaking terms...and that's a good thing. I feel alive...which is funny considering the world (in my neck of the woods) is in the throws of going into it's winter slumber.
On a very slight (MASSIVE) topic tangent... let me speak about my dream I had last night. Last night's dreams were completely weird. Even for me. I dreampt of some twisted sort of "Hunger Games" (almost literally) that my husband was involved in. The final task being some sort of eating contest involving cannibalism, but it was supposed to be 'okay' because the person who they were supposed to dine upon had donated their body when they passed (and had passed naturally). The body had been 'prepared' (read: cooked and literally prepared for eating). It was some sort of honour by the sounds of things and when I questioned my husband, reminding him that he was eating an actual person (that he would have to chew, swallow and keep down) -- he seemed fine with it because it was for a lot of money (10 million dollars or something) and prestige and the person who he was eating had died and donated his body specifically for that purpose. "It's not like he was murdered or anything like that". Apparently, that was supposed to make all of it okay.Talk about taking one for the team!! YUCK!
Then I was in some sort of body shop or garage and there was this stream running down the center of it, there were these little rabbit holes that had cats poking their heads out of them. They were just sort of sitting there just looking around. I remember when I crossed this stream I was barefoot and had to step into the water, but when I stepped out...there was a leach on my foot. I sat down and was picking leaches off my feet and off of other people's feet as well. I have no idea what that meant.
And then there was some sort of quiddich/american football/basketball type game without brooms that was going on. These people dressed in football uniforms flying up and down this football sized field, indoors in the dark (with spot lights), trying to put foot balls through these hoops that hung all along the sides of the field and one at each end. If you got a basket touchdown on the side hoops you got 2 points, one in the end? You got 5. But the players flew....without brooms. Weiiiiiiiird!
For the record, no...I neither drank nor smoked ANYTHING before going to bed.
This is all me - au naturel. SCARY!
Anyway, I think that's it for now. Some exciting things coming up in the next week or so, but I'll save those for some other entries.
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Monday, 14 October 2013
Dream a little dream of ... theaters.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
If you don't have anything nice to say...
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"
Human nature and behavior fascinates me. It's also frustrating as hell, but that's besides the point. I often ponder the hows and the whys of the ways we think and the things we do. Perhaps I should have taken several people's advice saying I should have been a psychologist or a psychiatrist but alas, I didn't.
I've never (for example – because this instance just reared it's ugly head in a friend of mine's life) understood the reasoning behind people bullying and saying such negative things about others. What does it get them? Does it do something for them? Does it make them feel better about themselves? And what's often funny is that the people who do these things and say these things are quite often (more than not) in a position where they know the devastating effects that bullying has. Either they have experienced first hand themselves or they have bared witness to the effects of someone they love dearly that bullying and slandering has had.
Human nature and behavior fascinates me. It's also frustrating as hell, but that's besides the point. I often ponder the hows and the whys of the ways we think and the things we do. Perhaps I should have taken several people's advice saying I should have been a psychologist or a psychiatrist but alas, I didn't.
I've never (for example – because this instance just reared it's ugly head in a friend of mine's life) understood the reasoning behind people bullying and saying such negative things about others. What does it get them? Does it do something for them? Does it make them feel better about themselves? And what's often funny is that the people who do these things and say these things are quite often (more than not) in a position where they know the devastating effects that bullying has. Either they have experienced first hand themselves or they have bared witness to the effects of someone they love dearly that bullying and slandering has had.
But almost always, the person who
starts the slandering and bullying takes offense to when the tables
are turned and it is done in kind. So why start it? It goes back to
the question of: What do you get out of it? Is your existence that
meaningless and pitiful that you can dish it out but you can't take
it?
I've never bared witness to such behavior as these anywhere else, except for online. And it is a no holds barred type behavior. These people, these supposed "mature responsible adults", resorting to slanderous comments, name calling and lies. Duplicitous behaviors and backstabbing also run rampant. WHY?
It's infuriating. And it's more than a little embarrassing when you're associated with the perpetrator(s) (thankfully I'm not in this specific case although once upon a time I was).
It's funny (not in a ha ha funny) in a way, I know for a fact that this person who is saying these things has had her own child bullied, so you'd think that they themselves would be an advocate to stop such behaviors. Sadly, this is not the case. Only when it suits them, does it behoove them to do so.
I've never bared witness to such behavior as these anywhere else, except for online. And it is a no holds barred type behavior. These people, these supposed "mature responsible adults", resorting to slanderous comments, name calling and lies. Duplicitous behaviors and backstabbing also run rampant. WHY?
It's infuriating. And it's more than a little embarrassing when you're associated with the perpetrator(s) (thankfully I'm not in this specific case although once upon a time I was).
It's funny (not in a ha ha funny) in a way, I know for a fact that this person who is saying these things has had her own child bullied, so you'd think that they themselves would be an advocate to stop such behaviors. Sadly, this is not the case. Only when it suits them, does it behoove them to do so.
I'm not saying we all have to get
along. That would be damn near impossible. But if you don't like
someone, shut the hell up and be about your own business and let
other people live their own lives. Peacefully. Don't stir up unwanted
or needed crap about people. Especially people you have nothing to do
with. In the end, it only makes you look like a cold hearted, mean
person. And what's the point in that?
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Saturday, 21 September 2013
The prodigal return of JT
Really? Really kids? Do we need to
revisit this again? I thought we'd been over this, and had it cleared
up. But clearly, by all the slagging and mud slinging, bitching and
whining that is not the case whatsoever.
Let me spell it out for you in small
words. John. Owes. You. Nothing. Who he is, does, where he goes, is
NOT our business. (This goes for all the guys). If you're a fan, shut
up, be a fan and leave it at that.
There was no alternate reason (nor any reason to think otherwise) other than the one John himself gave for going on his self imposed Twitter break. And those who go searching for other reasons why are nothing but rumor mill mongers.
John's return to Twitter can easily be answered in a few answers. They're the same reasons why he joined Twitter (and everyone started following him to being with). He's promoting something he's proud of. Are you trying to tell me that was insincere as well? I think not.
He's a business man, he's a smart and savvy one at that. He knew at 17 what he wanted from life and achieved it by his 20s. Not many can say that. I certainly can't. You should be proud of him, and for his accomplished and ashamed of yourselves, those of you who are rumor mongering and searching for something that isn't there.
There was no alternate reason (nor any reason to think otherwise) other than the one John himself gave for going on his self imposed Twitter break. And those who go searching for other reasons why are nothing but rumor mill mongers.
John's return to Twitter can easily be answered in a few answers. They're the same reasons why he joined Twitter (and everyone started following him to being with). He's promoting something he's proud of. Are you trying to tell me that was insincere as well? I think not.
He's a business man, he's a smart and savvy one at that. He knew at 17 what he wanted from life and achieved it by his 20s. Not many can say that. I certainly can't. You should be proud of him, and for his accomplished and ashamed of yourselves, those of you who are rumor mongering and searching for something that isn't there.
Will he stay on Twitter after his
Tweet-fest to promote his book? I hope so, but honestly I'd have
second thoughts if I were him if this is the way his return is going
to be received. So he's coming back to promote the paperback
release...so what? Who cares? He joined twitter to promote AYNIN, so
why wouldn't he return now?
Instead of slagging him off and calling him insincere, perhaps you should be proud of his accomplishments instead. If he hadn't had his life, traveled this path and been the person he is – I think all of our lives would be different than they are.
I'm proud of you John. Always. Should you choose to stay after your promotion Tweet-fest this week, I look forward to reading your Tweets and interacting with you. Should you choose to become silent again for a while; I for one; will be waiting for you when you get back.
Instead of slagging him off and calling him insincere, perhaps you should be proud of his accomplishments instead. If he hadn't had his life, traveled this path and been the person he is – I think all of our lives would be different than they are.
I'm proud of you John. Always. Should you choose to stay after your promotion Tweet-fest this week, I look forward to reading your Tweets and interacting with you. Should you choose to become silent again for a while; I for one; will be waiting for you when you get back.
One Last Glimpse,
~K
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Dreaming of distant times....
Dear readers:
I have been neglectful, again. But truthfully I've not had much to say. Life has plodded along, same old same old. Nothing new to report. My Mom always said if you had nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all. And it's not that I didnt have anything nice to say, I just hate to ramble in these posts. So I figued it was best I say nothing. But know, that I have missed you and this blog. And we'll see what happens.
~K
I often have odd dreams. Peculiar even. I've dreampt in 3rd person, where I'm watching myself (as if watching a movie) in a dream. I've had lucid dreams where I'm aware that I'm dreaming, and able to alter an manipulate the course of the dream if I don't like the direction the dream is going. But never have I dreampt about myself and interacted with myself in a dream – until last night.
I have been neglectful, again. But truthfully I've not had much to say. Life has plodded along, same old same old. Nothing new to report. My Mom always said if you had nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all. And it's not that I didnt have anything nice to say, I just hate to ramble in these posts. So I figued it was best I say nothing. But know, that I have missed you and this blog. And we'll see what happens.
~K
I often have odd dreams. Peculiar even. I've dreampt in 3rd person, where I'm watching myself (as if watching a movie) in a dream. I've had lucid dreams where I'm aware that I'm dreaming, and able to alter an manipulate the course of the dream if I don't like the direction the dream is going. But never have I dreampt about myself and interacted with myself in a dream – until last night.
I dreampt I was at a party (at first
seemingly as if I were watching a fully immersible virtual reality
movie). I could see myself (much younger) sitting at a table with
family and childhood friends. It was evening, and judging by the way
people were dressed, most likely summer. I could even see the
colourful patio lanterns that we had when I was young out on our back
patio. They brightly lit up outside of the window that my younger
self had her back to.
My younger sister-in-law, Christine stood beside the current me at one point (she was a child) asking my younger self for something or about something, but I have no idea what that may have been or why she was there. She didn't seem to notice the older me, or if she did – she said nothing.
My younger sister-in-law, Christine stood beside the current me at one point (she was a child) asking my younger self for something or about something, but I have no idea what that may have been or why she was there. She didn't seem to notice the older me, or if she did – she said nothing.
I remember at one point I followed
myself down the hall towards the bedrooms. The house as I remember it
to be when I was 3 or 4. When I arrived to where my bedroom would
have been, the dream shifted slightly and I was standing in the
hallway of my maternal Grandparents home. Their home was similar to
ours and around the corner.
I was standing in the bedroom doorway looking at myself and another young girl, who now I'm uncertain as to who it was, although I believe at the time I knew. I asked “How old are you here?” looking down at my younger self. “Five and a half.” I replied proudly but with a slight tone of “you should know that” that I am all too familiar with. Such attitude!
I nodded, turned on my heel (noting to myself that I was only 4 or so when we had moved out of the house I had been dreaming of), and entered my Grandparents bedroom. I looked over my Grandmother's dresser for something and then walked towards her cedar chest. I'm aware I'm looking for something, but I'm also aware I have no idea what that “something” is.
I saw my Mom standing just inside the doorway and I began apologizing to her for sending her “the letter”. She insists that it is fine and not to worry about it. I have no idea (even as I was dreaming it) what letter I'm talking about or referring to. Not a clue.
I don't ever recall writing my mother a letter of any significance. I just know I was quite upset about sending her this letter – whatever it was and desperately wanted her forgiveness for it.
I can remember embracing her and being able to actually smell her perfume in my nose. It was calming, and comforting. Her birthday is approaching this week - and I'd like to think that maybe she paid me a visit so I could give her a hug for her birthday.
One Last Glimpse,
I was standing in the bedroom doorway looking at myself and another young girl, who now I'm uncertain as to who it was, although I believe at the time I knew. I asked “How old are you here?” looking down at my younger self. “Five and a half.” I replied proudly but with a slight tone of “you should know that” that I am all too familiar with. Such attitude!
I nodded, turned on my heel (noting to myself that I was only 4 or so when we had moved out of the house I had been dreaming of), and entered my Grandparents bedroom. I looked over my Grandmother's dresser for something and then walked towards her cedar chest. I'm aware I'm looking for something, but I'm also aware I have no idea what that “something” is.
I saw my Mom standing just inside the doorway and I began apologizing to her for sending her “the letter”. She insists that it is fine and not to worry about it. I have no idea (even as I was dreaming it) what letter I'm talking about or referring to. Not a clue.
I don't ever recall writing my mother a letter of any significance. I just know I was quite upset about sending her this letter – whatever it was and desperately wanted her forgiveness for it.
I can remember embracing her and being able to actually smell her perfume in my nose. It was calming, and comforting. Her birthday is approaching this week - and I'd like to think that maybe she paid me a visit so I could give her a hug for her birthday.
One Last Glimpse,
~K
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