Friendship or lack there of: Revisited

Friendships are a strange thing aren't they? Sometimes you think a friend will be there forever, take a bullet for you, womb to tomb, birth to earth sort of deal. And then there are those who; like ships; just randomly sail off into the distance without any fanfare and then the friendship is over. Then there are those, those who you think will be around forever, but abruptly, for no reason whatsoever, leave. The ones that are left making you scratch your head thinking... "What the fairy fuck happened?".

I've come to the conclusion that some people are just better off out of your life. You think at the time, you can never imagine that to be...but then that veil lifts; that veil that you have on all your friends that forgives their little annoyances that piss other people off; and it all becomes clear. You see what other people see, and you think to yourself -- wow...was I really that blind to not see this? Where they always this way? And if you think back, you can see it. But you were friends, and therefore it was a forgivable thing. Tolerated, accepted. That can be a hard pill to swallow at first. Believe me, I know. But, once the smoke clears and the tears stop, you start to see people in a whole different light. You start to see what other people see about them that makes them not exactly the person you saw them as before. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's a bad thing.

And then there's those who end a friendship and you see them say stupid things that are said just to piss you off. School yard things, chicken shit things that they would never say to your face. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for things we shared, did, saw and the laughs and tears we shared. But lately, the little digs and comments you're saying to our mutual friends just really piss me off, I can see the game you're playing and I'm not going to play into it. You wanted things this way, and now they are.

I'm sorry you're not the person you think you should be. I'm sorry that; clearly; you're a very unhappy person mired down with such self loathing and doubt. I tried to be as encouraging as I could be, but you'd rather wallow in your self hatred all the while professing that you just want peace and serenity - which is a farce since you can't have those things if you don't love yourself, and there's nothing I can do about that. That's all on you. And believe it or not, I do feel sorry for you, maybe I shouldn't after EVERYTHING you've said I've done -- or haven't done I guess is more apropos. And again, I'm not saying I was completely innocent in the demise of this relationship. But, I surely don't hold sole responsibility, it takes two to tango. Maybe I should hate myself like you do yourself...but sorry, that's not going to happen either. And maybe this is me being immature, spiteful, and going all school yard by posting this. But hey, you always did encourage me to write. So there you are.

And mostly I'm sorry to you, my readers who have to read my own personal therapy on this matter. But writing things out helps me process my emotions. Right now, I'm angry. Very angry. I've gone through the loss of the friendship, the sadness...and now, every time I see this person say things on Facebook I just want to punch them in the face. SO not me. So, in a therapeutic move for myself, I just bit the bullet (as I was writing this)...pulled the trigger and did it, she's now blocked, I can no longer see anything she posts. I did it not because I don't want to be reminded of her, but because I need to let go of this absolute rage I feel when I see posts she makes that come off as passive-aggressive, snide and condescending and directed towards me. Maybe they're not, and I'm imagining things...but I won't let go of this anger until I do away with the root cause. Maybe I'll unblock her someday, but today will not be that day.

Love one another, and love yourself. You're worth it. And so am I.

Live your best life, love, and be happy.


One Last Glimpse,

~K

Where ya been???

I know... I know... bad blogger... let's move on. What's new!

So much has happend since we spoke last. A dear friend of mine and my husband's after 20 years of living out west has moved back home, and in with us. I've missed him dearly. And yes, we moved around a lot too with Alan being in the military, but to have him here now is just fantastic.

Robin Williams killed himself, which traumatized me to my core. I had enjoyed his work since I was about 7 or 8 and followed his highs and lows right through most of my life. It is a tragic loss that he is gone, and I still have as of yet to watch any of his movies or interviews. 

Most recently a very long time friend of mine decided she no longer wanted to be friends. To be honest, I'm still sort of reeling about this when I stop to think about it. I feel her reasons behind "unfriending" me were completely school yard and infintile. She called our friendship "a farce" which was more than a little harsh and to be honest I suspect said to hurt me more than anything. I honestly believe it was out of sheer jealousy of other friendships I have. Instead of talking it out like a mature adult, she elected to unfriend me on Facebook and not tell me. She waited (I'm certain) to see if I would notice. Clearly, I did. I'm willing to accept my fault and failure in the demise of our friendship, but I refuse to accept her part. That onus is on her, not me. Although I was surprised at how many people came forth after the fact and have either said "I never really did like her...We only put up with her because of you" or "I never understood your friendship you are such an up person, and she is just... not".  Does this mean I wish her ill will? Of course not. We were friends for many years. This isn't the first time our friendship has come to an end, it's actually the third and likely the last. I will miss her, and her beautiful family... but it is out of my hands and beyond my control. I don't want her to be in a friendship with me if she honestly believes she isn't welcome or her friendship isn't wanted (completely untrue). But in the end, it her her choice, and I wish her well.

On a COMPLETELY different school of thought...

I had two distinct dreams last night. Both so completely vivid and real that I have been borderline obsessed with the details all day. The sights, sounds and even textures surrounding me. I find; more often than not; that I live for these sort of dreams. And I try to remember as much of the dream as possible. Faces, voices, surroundings. Are they past lives? Buried memories? I don't know. Whatever the case, I find them fascinating.

In the first one I can remember that I was in a long, almost mint green dress with white bibbing. The dress was heavy, weighted, it had a texture I can still feel under my fingertips even now that I'm awake. And for some reason, I was standing on a balcony with a shot gun at the ready. I had it lifted, aimed and even fired off a couple of shots which hit their mark with deadly accuracy. It was dark out, raining. But I'm uncertain if it was dark out because it was twilight or if it was dark out because of the rain, or a bit of both. I wasn't alone. There was someone with me, a man, whom I have no idea who it was with any certainty. I have my suspicions but without recalling a face or a definitive voice, I have nothing. I do recall a discussion about me steadying my shot. But again, I don't recall a definitive voice that I can lean back on to help me remember.

The second one wasn't so much about me per se, but seeing an object that has me fixated to the point of “Googling” is just off the wall... even for me. I dreampt I was in a house (not mine, nor anyone that I have been in – not in this life time anyway as far as I can recall). And against an entrance wall there was a small settee. I can remember it was gold painted with spindle legs with black contour painted in the gold filigree. The cushion was a muted aquamarine blue with gold pattern on it. Scroll and fleur de lis comes to mind, although I'm not 100% certain on that – I suspect it is correct. It was a small understated piece and yet, I was fixated and still am. I know I was knelt down at one point in front of it, staring at it like it was an old friend. I had that much of a connection with this piece of furniture. Like it was mine, or had been. I know I was glad to see it still kicking around and pleased it hadn't been gotten rid of.... even though it wasn't mine. I can remember asking “Where did this come from?” as I dragged my fingertips over the wood. “I've seen it before” I can remember saying as well. Although I know my waking self, has not. I can recall being asked “Are you just going to fawn over that all day, or are you coming?”. I replied “I'm coming...” But I have no recollection where I was going to. Was it the fleur de lis pattern on it that had me fixated or something else? I'm really not sure.

Anyway kids, there you have it. That's about all that's new with me worth a mention. I am well, I hope you are too going into this festivus season. Stay warm, stay safe... until next time...

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Dreaming in technicolour

My dream started off normal. I was at my Dad's house, looking to speak with him rather urgently (for reasons I don't recall now). I remember exiting out the front door and walking down my Dad's front steps (which is where my Dad's front yard changed). He was standing over a long bodied car of some sort, which was supposedly an older car (50's or 60s) but I don't recall it having any roof or doors or any opening at all to actually get into the car. It was like it was this long, dark forest green body....with no way to get into the car. It was odd. ANYWAY, he had a paint scraper in his hand and was scraping off the shiny coat off the car “getting it ready to be repainted”.

I remember looking up to the sky and seeing many (50?) air craft carriers but with a curved bottom like zeppelins. One was crashing into the ground and we all started to run away.

The next thing I can remember I am walking inside the boat... but I got the feeling I wasn't really supposed to be there? But I'm not sure why. At this point it changes and I'm now a reporter (maybe that's why I wasn't supposed to be there?) And I'm speaking to a very young Nick Rhodes, Simon Le Bon, John Taylor and Roger Taylor. Nick informs me that he's just married Yasmin (???) although he pronounces her name as “Yazmeeean”. I ask to see a picture of his wife, and he hands me a 5x7 of JulieAnne – I recognize the fact that it is Jewels, but say nothing. During this interview Nick disappears (when I turned away from him) and the guys say he had to go catch a flight.

I leave there, and go outside and I'm walking in a townhouse community. I see a private jet at the end of one of the rowhouses and I see Nick get off the plane. It is winter, and I am cold. I run around the side of this rowhouse and I call out to him. He looks up, smiles and waves at me as he walks towards me although I suddenly get the feeling that we have never met. I remember being quite nervous and saying “I have something for you”. Although I had NOTHING in my hands. I remember reaching into my pocket and pulling out a lipstick, eyeliner and mascara and saying “These are from Theresa and me”. Who the hell Theresa is, I have NO idea. He smiles and thanks me appreciatively, we walk along together. We enter a townhouse door and now I am back in/on the aircraft carrier and Nick is gone.

I walk up to a cabin that has the door open and my friend Amber is in there with Simon and two other people I don't know. She is talking about some song she has heard on the radio recently but doesn't know who it is who sings it. She thinks it's a duet, but isn't sure about that either. Simon says he's not sure, but asks her if she could sing or hum some of it. I remember exclaiming “Noooooo” from the doorway (Amber is horribly tone deaf – love her dearly though I do) but starts singing and humming at the top of her lungs. I am laughing my ass off (right along with her) as I stand in the door. Simon grins HUGELY at her lack of ability and keeps encouraging her to continue with the singing and humming of the song to the point of all three of us laughing to the point of tears as the more she laughs the worse her rendition of the song is. Until finally she hits a completely bum note and Simon (through tears of laughter) exclaims “I KNOW THE SONG!” And rambles off the title and singers of the horribly butchered song, to peels of hysterical laughter. I remember thinking how the hell could he tell what song it was between the tone deaf and the laughter???

The next thing I recall I'm in an elevator with SLB (and someone else – but I'm not 100% sure who). I can remember us going up and then sideways quite suddenly and myself and whoever I was with slamming into Simon. I recall being embarassed (he caught me) and managing a "I'm sorry". Although, I have to admit, he didn't seem to mind.  So here's this old fashioned elevator and we're still in the aircraft carrier... moving sideways and we're going “up on deck”. I remember saying to Simon “I don't think I belong there...”. He assured me as long as I stick close, I will be fine. I remember the door opening up, stepping out into the open, seeing people wandering around in Victorian clothing and feeling a breeze on my face and that's where I woke up.

I often have strange dreams, last night was no different... but it was fun and funny.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

PS. I know I've been a bad blogger and not blogged as often as I should or could. And I am sorry for that. Real life comes up (as it does for us all). I will try to do this more often, but can't make absolute promises.

Lesbians and the cost of gas: a political debate

I'm really sort of chapped at the moment. I just had a gentleman in; who was older; and we got talking about the price of gas - it's always a common topic in my line of work - and where we thought the prices were going to go. Well, of course they're going to go up, those days of filling up for 20$ are long gone.

So, there we are and the price of gas on the rise topic comes around to the recent election that just came to pass. Suddenly he starts blaming "The gays" that voted for "that woman...."  "because she's a lesbian you know... " and "they vote for their own kind". I immediately saw red.

Now...I'm not a lesbian - but I have MANY family and friends who are of the GLBT community. And I stand behind their way of life 100%. I always have. It's just the way I was raised. And I understand that some people aren't perhaps as enlightened (If you will) in the ways of the gay. And I get that... But what the hell does one have to do with the other? What does the price of gas have to do with if a lesbian won or not?

I didn't vote. I know some of you are like "WHAT???!" Truth be told, I only have ever voted once in my life, so I really can't bitch or complain about who gets into power (and I rarely do). But what pissed me off was that he blamed "The gays" for this woman for winning (CLEARLY NOT who he wanted to win). Honestly, I don't know what this woman's politics are, but I DO know -- her sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with it. We HAVE gay rights here in Canada, so that's not even a platform or issue.

I know a lot of people are pissed off that this woman wants to put a tax on the gas, and I can get behind that. Gas is costly enough as it is - do we REALLY need to tax it higher? It's my understanding her reasoning is to do something having to do with the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission). Well, if it's not going to benefit us ALL - how is that fair? Notice in that statement I never ONCE brought up that she was a lesbian??? Yea, me either.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Gasbar Glamazon - It's on like Donkey Kong biatch!!

We're coming into a long weekend here in Canada. May "24" weekend formally known as "Victoria Day weekend". It's a weekend essentially for partying, usually the first serious camping weekend of the year with fireworks, BBQ's and just generally having fun with family and friends.

Currently, the price of gas is down -- WAY DOWN -- from what it has been as of late. However, with the long holiday weekend coming up, prices will undoubtedly rise. They always do. It is just the nature of the beast.

Yesterday and today things have been hectic, chaotic and otherwise insane. Yesterday however it was later in the afternoon, today however -- I pulled up to sheer lunacy. Cars lined up in both direction, 3 deep at least and all in a foul mood.

While I was sitting in the car; canoodling with my husband; (okay not REALLY canoodling with Alan... but I've always wanted to use that in a sentence) I could see my co-worker standing outside. I was perplexed as to why she was standing outside in amidst all the cars staring and watching something. I didn't know why. It wasn't until I got in that I found out exactly why -- a woman had cut a gentleman else off, and when the gentleman went to confront the woman, she threw him up on the hood of her car!! In the four years I have worked at this establishment, I have never seen physical violence between two people. Yelling, screaming and finger gestures yes... but NEVER actual physical violence. I was shocked. Especially since (keeping in mind) the area I work in has always been regarded as a pretty "high brow" area of the city. Apparently they're not above a bit of a throw down at the gas station! How gangsta of them!

I've never understood the rage over the gas. The price isn't going to change, and we're not going to run out of gas... and we're not about to raise it 40cents the moment "you" pull up. So just sit back, chillax and listen to some music while you wait. Patiently.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Glamazon: Reloaded

The gas bar glamazon is back! Yes dear readers...that's right, it's time for another installment. It's been a while since we...ya know... listened to me whine about my work, so I figure it's about time. Grab a bevvy, pop yer feets up and we'll have a chitty chat.

Ready? Well let's begin...

Ahhh work. The place where often I elevate my boredom by writing. A place where idiots congregate and get their gas. A place where, while I shouldn't be surprised at this stage in the game how stupid most people are, sometimes a few can sneak on past me and still shock me.

My boss has taken over another site, and so she's extra busy lately... which is fine. She asked me if I would be willing to take on more shifts (also fine). But yesterday and today, stupidity has run rampant. I'm not sure if it's something in the air, water, lack of sunshine, lack of heat or someone has been swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool again. But holy, crickey the stupid questions.... and sheer stupidity of people boggle the mind.

People asking for example if we take cash (because that's all we have). I felt like saying 'No, they've banned us from taking cash'. Seriously? Does this even deserve or require an answer??? OF COURSE we take cash. Oh and “I heard the price of gas was going up XXX.” Now...had you people stopped and LISTENED to the actual news cast you were watching/listening to... you would have heard that it wasn't happening HERE but in TORONTO. But no, like the idiot you are...you decided to panic and rush to your nearest (my) gas station and fill up/top up because you (and the other fools like you) didn't take that half second pause and actually listen to what you were being told. You just heard “gas prices going up” and that was enough for you. Newsflash idiot, it's not going up tomorrow at all. Dumbass.

And FYI, that outside lane is STILL pay at the pump it was 6 months ago (and longer than that)...and likely still will be six months from now. So, you cursing and swearing and being a total tool about “how it wasn't that way the last time you were in” isn't going to change that. It was like that the last time you were in. You're just a dick. It's okay, you can admit it. I've known it for some time now.

Some people I get are real sweethearts though. No, seriously! I know I bitch a lot about the dumbasses. And there are significantly more dumbasses than customers I actually like (unfortunately). And I'm ALWAYS (save once or twice...or six or seven times) very courteous and polite, even when the customer doesn't deserve it. But I often find that my favorite customers come in at just the right time, which is probably why I have stayed as long as I have...that, and of course...the fact that my boss is awesome. I think if she weren't as great as she is, I would have likely left eons ago. 

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Memories of a hero

This is a very personal entry to me. An open letter to a particular person. They'll never read it, but it's my feelings and I want to get them out.

Larger than life, quick with a joke and a smile. Always giving a wink and a playful teasing. As long as you were being teased....you knew you were okay. It's when the teasing and joking stopped you knew you were in it deep. These are the things I remember and treasure most. These are the ways I choose to remember you.

The person you have become, the person you are now is so far from the person I know you to be. And it eats me up inside to know that you're trapped and unable to help yourself and knowing that there's nothing you can do and nothing we can do to help you.

Nat is guilt ridden. She shouldn't be...but is. She has stood by and defended you every inch of the way like any daughter should, but has also called you out on things when you should have been...such as any one (including yourself) would do. Such a beautiful, proud woman you've raised. A beautiful mixture of you and Mom. I know you're proud of her. I am too. And of the man Nat married and your beautiful grand-daughter. I see a lot of you in all three of them. The pride, the strength and the wicked sense of humor.

I can remember when I was first starting to come over when Nat and I first met. Never had I ever felt so at home, and so welcome in a friend's house. I felt like I belonged and like I was one of your own. And, with all the time I came to stay over, I'm sure it seemed like I practically lived there at times and I'm sure it felt like it. Never once did you ever treat me like an outsider. Not once. And that is something I can never thank you enough for.

But now, what's left of the man I once knew is slowly fading away. Wracked with an evil disease that will; at some point; consume you. I wish, like everyone that I could take that away from you. Save you. Rescue you. And while you may not know we are here with you in mind, spirit and body... we are.

I hope you know though, that you have been and always will be, loved. Not just by your family, but by those you have touched with your heart, your smile and your wisdom. I don't profess you to be perfect. No one is. But I always looked up to you. You were a hero to many and always will be a hero of mine. And I thank you for the impact you have had on me and my life.

"Love you as much as never". Always.

~K