Friday, 3 August 2012

Confession is good for the soul

 This post is about the last few conscious moments I had with my Mom before she passed. They are some of the most bitter sweet moments I have ever had in my life. At the time I think I looked about this moment as tragic, but now I look upon it as one of the purest gifts my Mother could have ever possibly given me.

I remember a few days before my Mom passed away I was sitting in her hospital room during my "watch". At this point my Mom was pretty out of it, they had her fairly medicated as she was in pain a lot of the time, and therefore she slept a lot. When she did wake up it was rare, few and far between and usually didn't last long.

She woke up at one point, saw me...said my name in recognition. She had a cognitive moment that there had been a "change of the guard" and the person who had been there when she fell asleep wasn't the person who was there now. She nodded in affirmation to herself as she struggled to find a comfortable position to lay. That's not easy in a hospital bed, while hooked up to machines while your body is betraying you.

She turned to me suddenly in a lucid moment asking me if I had anything I wanted to tell her. Was she looking for an untold truth? She smiled and chuckled to herself as if having a private laugh, a joke only she was privy to. She said to me in a soft voice that I barely recognized "I'm not looking for a confession of your sins. I'm sure not going to tell you mine." What sins I wondered?? I sat confused looking at her, both of us near tears. Finally I mumbled out "Just that I love you".

In retrospect there was nothing more I could say. Nothing more I had to or wanted to. Out of all the things that I could have said in that moment...I'm glad I chose those words. They were some of the last I said to my Mom when she was conscious. I said other things to her, that I'm sure she heard before she passed...but those were some of the last ones that she reciprocated, and nothing will ever change that. The memory now is bitter sweet and one of my most precious ones. Never be afraid to tell those you love most that you love them. In the long run, no matter what the won't regret it in the end.

One Last Glimpse,


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