I hate this day....

17 years ago today at 7:30 in the morning, my world turned upside down, on its axis and I was in hell. My Mother, who had been suffering from cancer for the better part of 2 years, lost her battle and passed away.

I was shattered.

As I often do, when things are disasterous - I shut down. I put my feelings away, and take care of who and what I need to and take care of what I need to before breaking down myself. My sister, father and grandfather were a mess, and my husband, whose own mother had passed not 4 months prior and who had been "adopted" by my Mother as one of her own was devastated.

My parents, even though they had been divorced since I was 5, had found a friendship together during my Mom's illness. My Dad in turn had now lost one of his best friends in her I think. My sister, of course, was a wreck, she's probably the more emotional of the two of us. But not in the sense of crying or irrational, she's just different than I am. Then there was my Grandfather, who had (although he would never admit it) lost his favourite child, but who was raised to never show his emotion. So, he was trapped between what he was raised to know and be this stoic person or to let his emotions show. In the end, his emotions won out.

I don't remember crying at my Mom's funeral. In fact...the only time I remember crying was once when I was making phone calls to my Mom's friends. And once during the visitation with my friend Natalie. We were sharing stories, and we got laughing so hard I was in tears. It felt odd to laugh at a visitation, but it was exactly what my Mother had wanted to have happen. I felt a sense of relief and release.

I don't remember crying at the funeral itself. Maybe I should have. I know I was depressed for a very long time after her passing. Honestly, I probably should have gone to speak to someone about it, but I never did.

I'm alright now, exception being days like today. She's with me, I know that. I often dream of her alive, looking well and healthy. Usually the dream starts off with me saying to her "You know your dead right?". I'm not sure if that's confirmation for me to make that realization or for her. Whatever the case, I have done that so often now she typically replies with "We've covered that Kendra, can we move on?". Which is absolutely something my Mom would have said.

I miss my Mom. A lot. Not just today, but everyday.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day. It was just that feelig you know? Dread, meloncholy, and sadness. I got up, knowing I had to work (with no way out of it), my period had started and the anniversary. Yuck. I went downstairs to muck about on my computer. It kept turning itself off on its own. NOT what I wanted to have happen. It's never a good sign when a computer does that. You know?

I did the only thing I could do, put my big girl panties on...got dressed and came to work leaving my computer issues in the more than capable hands of my husband. And here I sit. I feel a little bit better all things considered, from what I understand my computer is fixed and work... well is work.

As the saying goes "This too shall pass" and it will... I know it will. I've got such fantastic support in you all and I love you all for that. Thank you.

Thank you for making a difficult day a little easier.

One Last Glimpse,

~K