Time for truth, Time for healing

When my husband and I first starting dating and then subsequently got married, I (as most people do) formed a bond (or tried to) with his siblings and family. Some of us got along really well from the get go, others took a little more work. I should note: Alan is the OLDEST of SEVEN kids (oldest to youngest they are: Alan, Rob, Dan, Megan, Christine, Maureen, and Mary). 

His oldest sister Megan and I eventually formed a friendship and were quite close. This took a while as Megan (by nature - like Alan) finds it difficult to trust people due to events stemming from their childhood.She protects herself against being hurt and I truly understand that. Megan is a complex person who (much like her brother) takes much to heart and it takes a long time to get over those who have betrayed her, even though she often gives off the attitude of it not bothering her, or it all just being water off a duck's back.

But once upon a time we were close. I think when Alan and I separated she was mad, hurt, angry, put out, put upon and felt betrayed...again. And in retrospect I don't blame her. I did/said some shady shit against her brother. And while we were friends/sisters he was her brother first. Her loyalties were trashed and while she did her best to stick with me, I think she felt abandoned. And I can never apologize enough for that.

When her brother and I reconciled, I think she thought he was completely mental. However, by comparison to the lunatic he had been dating during our break-up, she at least knew what to expect with me. But things were different now, she was married with children and had moved on from where we were when we had been close. We have odd moments now where things are like they were but it doesn't last long. I think there's still that hurt there, that feeling like I abandoned her and let her down. Truthfully in hindsight I very much could have handled things differently - but I didn't - and I can't go back and change that. I can only move forward, learn from the past (which I have) and continue with the now healthy and loving relationship I share with her brother. But it's her brother I hurt and betrayed, not her with what I did. But in the same breath asking of her to remain friends like everything was fine was a betrayal too. And I get that. Maybe someday we will talk about it. But for now we go on pretending. And sometimes it's fine and other times it feels phony and forced. I'd love to go back to it being the way things were, but I'm not sure how or even if we can.

Since Bradley passed (her son) things are different again. She needs family more than ever I feel and even though I promised Brad in a dream I had that I would take care of her and Emma (my niece - Brad's sister) I haven't. And I need to. Every time I've embraced Megan since Brad passed and said "Hello, how are you?" we have this elongated embrace because I can feel her start to loose it and she takes that moment to pull herself together. Maybe it's time after all. Time for the truth, to lay it all out on the line. And time for some healing to begin.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

New Romantic

I think I've always had an affection and a affiliation  for "romantic" things. The idea or notion that someone or something can be so pure, so perfect, so in love, so pristine is beautiful to me.  The thought that someone can be that enamored and agog over another person is truly a beautiful thing. For example, I love the romance and affection that Maria and Tony have in West Side Story - which is probably why it's one of my favorite movies of all time. Their love; no matter how brief; is perfect. And I love that.

I love to get that wrapped up into a movie, to get lost in the surroundings, the dialogue, the costuming and the characters is fantastic. That to me, is good story telling. I have to say...I hate crying in movies, but I know that if I do cry in a movie, or a television show it has really touched a place in me that is special and the director and actors have done their job in telling whatever story they are trying to tell. I remember when I was a young teenager my sister and I sat and watched the mini-series 'The Thorn Birds' with Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward, Christopher Plummer, Bryan Brown, Barbra Stanwyck and Jean Simmons (to name a few!) . Four nights, of 2 hour episodes.  Not once did I cry...but my sister did at the end of each night. I remember I would sit there, laugh and she'd be all embarrassed and tell me to "shut up!" as she cried. When I was 15 it aired again, and again I watched it...this time I cried. I got it this time, I understood the love, the passion, the entire story. I wanted someone to be that much in love with me.

I love how movies, television and music can take you on that journey.. It can take you to a time or a place or a feeling that you've long since forgotten or tried to forget. Good or bad, right or wrong. Life does that too every now and again if we're lucky. A smell, a picture, a word even. It's funny that way. Sometimes in a very sick and twisted sort of way...but funny none the less. It makes you face things sometimes that you really don't want to. It makes you turn your face away, and look through your fingers at your worst nightmare. But it's life, it's love. Sometimes it's perfect and beautiful, sometimes it's unexpected, sometimes it's scary when you realize just how much you actually care for another person, sometimes it's unconventional. But it's a great feeling. Being in love, being loved, knowing someone cares about you and your well being. It doesn't matter if it's a husband, wife, lover, child, friend, family member. To know that that person has taken the time, effort, energy, to see something in you that is worth while. That you are worth while. And sometimes, it makes you look at yourself in a whole new light.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Vermilion: word porn

Vermilion. I love that word. There's just something very rich in it's texture and nature that I love. I like the sound of it, the way it flows off the tongue...I even like what it means: An opaque orangish red pigment, similar to scarlet, but more orange and less red. I like that word too -- opaque (not transparent) and while we're talking about words we like...I also like: verisimilitude (of being true or real).  All of these words are great words. All words I had heard before, and used of course but not in many moons.

I recently said to a friend that I was trying to find a word to describe Nick Rhodes' hair colour in the 80's (85ish) but didn't want to use something quite as boring as red...or orange. Because truthfully it wasn't either colour. Not exactly anyway. She threw back "vermilion" at me and I fell in love, because like Nick...it is rich and full of texture, and very unique.  I mean really, you can't use a boring word to describe someone like Nick. He's not a boring person, nor is his hair.

I'm using photos of Nick Rhodes...and his vermilion hair, to remind myself later when I go to review these blogs, in a week or 6 months or a year from now how much I am loving writing and re-immersing myself in the vastness and my voraciousness of the English language. How it is diverse, and descriptive, and there are so many words out there that are so very descriptive rather than the basic every day ones. For example instead of something like (just for example of course -- Let it be known...this is going to be weird for me...I'm NOT a "Nick girl" by any stretch, although I think he's brilliant): "Nick stared at her affectionately, with his green eyes shining, gently he took her hand, smiled and softly said 'You realize of course with this snow...we're stuck here for a while. We may as well get comfy.' as he sat on the couch." Instead...one could say something like: "Nick gazed toward her adoringly, his sea-foam green eyes twinkled as he nervously and delicately took her hand into his. A sweet smile gently crossed his lips as he softly said 'We're going to be stranded here for some time, the snow is horrendous out there. I can't imagine anyone coming up here this evening. Perhaps it's best we make ourselves comfortable.' as he lead her to the chesterfield and sat down." Yes okay it's wordy, but I think I'd rather have "sea-foam green" eyes stare at me instead of the plain ones wouldn't you? 

It's the little things; I have learned; can help in the visualization of the reading. Not always mind you...but it can paint a much more vivid picture for the reader, and as a reader I find I enjoy a novel or even a blog more when it's more descriptive. That way I can visualize the people, places, characters, situations in my head and decide for myself what it all looked like, sounded like, felt like. Perhaps I'm making things more difficult than they need to be when I read a book. I realize sometimes one can get lost in the details, bogged down and drone on. But the trick is; I guess; to know when the 'devil is in the details' and when it's not. I can respect the fact that some people grow impatient with story telling when there's too much exposition. I guess that's the trick of being a good story teller, knowing exactly when you've written enough to let your reader's mind wander and create environments and ideals of your story on their own. 


One Last Glimpse,


~K

Mine...immaculate dream....Jan 24/2012

I just awoke from a "nap" (3 hour pillow face-plant snore-fest epic crash more like) and had the most vivid, clear, bizarre dream that left me perplexed, bewildered, humored and heart broken all at once. I dreamed of my husband, Jane and Rachel, Simon Le Bon and John Taylor, my Mother (whom truthfully I rarely dream of  so that was a treat! - I dream more of my Mother in law than my own Mom for some reason). (My Mom passed away in March of 1996, my Mother in law in November of 1995). But it was so vivid and so...crisp it was almost as if it was more like a memory than a dream. Although I know it never actually happened (If that makes any sense whatsoever).

I was sitting on a balcony of a hotel room with a table in front of me with a laptop on it (I was writing), the balcony had no outer railing (that I could see) so I had an unobstructed view from where I sat. It was sunny and warm, I could hear water (waves on a shore), and a breeze...but it was so bright it was like that winter white/snow blind effect you get. I remember hearing talking behind me although I didn't turn around to see who it was, I could tell it was my Mom and two male voices...I want to say it was my husband and Simon talking but the male voices were far off and I couldn't really hear them at first so I'm not sure. I do know it was my Mom however.

I remember sighing at one point while I was typing frantically on the keys (no clue what I was writing about -- I couldn't read the screen although I'm certain I looked at it more than a few times). And then just after I sighed my friend Jane was sitting in a wicker lounger to my right sunbathing herself she said "Don't force it, let it come...it will come. We both know that." And John handed her something (a bottle of water I think????) and said "I agree with Jane. That's the worst, don't ever force it. If you do that, it will end up being contrite and sound forced and you'll end up fucking hating it and then you'll have to go back to the drawing board and start all over." I remember looking at my friend Jane who was smiling like the cat that swallowed the canary and she said "See? I know what I'm talking about.". Which made me laugh.

My Mom and my friend Rachel came out carrying a small tray of fruit (I vaguely recall pineapple but other than that...I'm clueless) and indicating that Simon and Alan were inside trying to fix Simon's antique (1940's) motorcycle in the front foyer of my hotel room. Rachel seemed annoyed with Simon as he had leaked oil on the floor and she wasn't certain as to how she was going to get it out of the floor. I recall her saying "Surely they could have picked a better spot to do that for fucksakes.". I remember my Mom replying with "Let them clean it up, they made the damn mess in the first place.".

All this while I'm typing and typing. I still have no clue (even in retrospect) what the hell it was I was writing. A book? This blog? I'm not sure. I remember my Mother offering me fruit and telling me I should put the laptop away and just relax and I said "I can't Mom, I want to finish this part up and then I will." She smiled and shrugged and turned to John and said with a sarcastic tone and wicked grin "This is all your fault you know." At which point (before John could reply) Simon and Alan came out behind me and Simon said with a wink and a smile, with a beer in hand "Oh yes Gail (my Mom), he never could keep his mind and opinions to himself. He's nothing but trouble that one!" (pointing at John) with that, he promptly sat himself half on the arm of the chair my Mom was in, half on my Mom's lap!!! (LMFAO) (At this point my attention is turned to Alan, I know John and Simon "exchanged words" after that but what they were I'm not certain - I do recall hearing my Mom's laugh though so it must have been funny).

I remember looking up at Alan who grinned down at me (with oil and dirt smudged all on his face) and said "Well...it's dirty...but it's fixed." I looked up at him and said "In the front hall? Really???" His response with a shrug and a point at Simon "Hey! Don't blame me! It was his idea!!".

And that's where I woke up. It was a great dream, a fantastic one. I'm perplexed and bewildered because what a mix of people to dream about, not to mention the subject matter. Where the hell were we?? Why the hell were Simon and Alan fixing a motor cycle in the front foyer of the hotel room? I'm amused because of the expressions of people, hearing my Mom's laugh and seeing her look when Simon half sat on the arm of her chair, half in her lap. But, I'm also heart broken because I don't dream of my Mom as often as I'd like. It was a precious dream for certain, as most of my dreams with my Mom are. It's as if for that brief snippet in time I have her here, I can hear her, smell her perfume, embrace her. And all is right with the world.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

What is it about Duran?

I've tried to come up with in my own head just what it is about the sound of Duran Duran that makes me be so enamored of them. Their looks and my teenage years of staring at them on my bedroom walls, in videos beside the fact, what exactly is it about them that makes me so completely agog of their music? They are my favorite band, hands down, without a doubt in my mind. I love their music. It's uplifting, it's melancholy, it's comforting, it's amusing, it's fun, it's perfection. Pure and simple. But why? Why do I think it's perfection? I love their music...each song has it's own charm.


Having said that, that is not to say that there aren't songs that I don't bypass or roll my eyes at. There are a few...I wanna 'Take you Higher' for one...it just annoys me, but really I have no real reason as to why - I guess I just feel no real attachment to it. I love the song Ball of Confusion the way Love and Rockets sing it...but not so much the way Duran sing it. Is that even possible? It wasn't until recently that I had any affinity with the songs 'White Lines' and 'View to a Kill'...or 'Notorious' for that matter. I mean yes, I liked them well enough but they were take it or leave it songs for me. Simon always seemingly messed up 'View To a Kill' more oft than not in the past, and it seems to be around the same range as the line from 'Wild Boys' ("Wild boys always...shine") and sometimes I just can't bare it. BUT, after hearing Simon Le Bon sing both songs ('Wild Boys' and 'View') in October flawlessly...I have a new affinity for them both. I think that those notes are at the top part of his range, and whatever new vocal techniques he is mastering now since his throat issues back late last spring, have made him a better singer in the long run. Simon's voice is extraordinary and has the way of delivering more than just a song...it's a story...a journey. 

I don't find (and maybe that's what I like about it) that Duran is a guitar riffy driven band. Yes, they utilize their guitar players (Andy Taylor, Warren Cuccurullo, and now Dom Brown), but unlike a group (for example: Van Halen) it's not all about the guitar. It never has been. It's not that their guitar players have not been able to pull some stuff off like that, it's just that...that's not the way Duran works. They're funkier than that, and rather than sound like every other band out there...they took a slightly different tact and approach. Each guitar player for Duran has contributed and have added their own personal sound to enhance Duran's music. When a guitar riff, hook or lick is called for absolutely it will be utilized but it's not over utilized.

Andy Taylor once said something along the lines of: 'Finding a drummer who can actually keep time is incredible'. He was speaking, of course, of Roger Taylor. I have always liked Roger. He's always carried himself as a kind, gentle soul who only wants to drum. I love the fact that he decided to come back on his own terms, of his own volition and play. I am thankful he was able to regain his sanity after being pushed to the brink in the 80's. He truly is a brilliant drummer. Yes, Duran has had other drummers in the past...but really...like the bassist...there is only one person that has been able to fit the bill.

Then there's the synth, ahhh Nick Rhodes. It's my understanding Nick is self taught. Speaking from the perspective of someone who has had 12 years of classical piano lessons...his technique is flawless. His natural ability to produce the music he does is staggering, bordering on prodigy in my opinion. He's never been afraid to experiment with sounds or textures within the music. And that is yet another reason of what makes him and Duran's music brilliant. His innate comprehension of the flow and sound of the music, his musical ear is impeccable. 

By now, everyone knows my love of the bass...as well as Duran's bass player the incomparable John Taylor. I think what I love most about John's bass playing is that while a lot of other people's bass playing just is just some sort of rhythmic enhancement or percussive tool to enhance the bottom part of the song/rhythm section. His lines are actually like little mini songs underneath the main theme of the song. Duran's music is always distinguishable and that is one of the main reasons why. I have read many say that John tends to "over complicate" the bass line more than it needs be. But I have to disagree, if you can do it...why wouldn't you? It obviously enhances the songs in some sort of manner otherwise he wouldn't be half the bassist he is, and Duran Duran wouldn't still be at it 30 years later. 


I guess I don't have a specific only one reason as to what attracts me to Duran's music. They're 5 parts of the same whole that each lends them selves to said perfection and really, in the long run...isn't that all that matters? The fact that they're devastatingly handsome (all each in their own ways) wasn't even brought into play. I must be growing up -- wait, isn't that one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse?  


One Last Glimpse,

~K

Anything that could have gone wrong...

So tonight I was to work, the boss's youngest daughter (who is 4) was having some dental surgery done and was not available in any level. Fine no biggie. Well I arrived at 3 for my shift; find out it's been busy all day again no biggie; but then...then my fine friends...everything...went to shit.

I work at a gas station. We have 4 pumps with 2 pumps on each pumps so 8 pumps in total. (One on each side). My station is usually busy (especially on a Friday night) as we find the cheapest price in town and price match them in spite of whatever the major's price may be (Esso/Shell/etc). Tonight when I arrived all hell broke loose.

The pumps (for whatever reason - I still HONESTLY don't have a clue as to what the HELL happened) decided that only ONE side per pump could pump at a time - and IF by some small miracle the other side COULD get gas, it came out slow. as. hell. And today was C_O_L_D. So of course, it's cheap(er) gas, people start lining up, they get impatient and they get bitchy because of course SOMEHOW it's my fault, and SOMEHOW I should be able to fix this problem.

Shortly after this my main till  and the debit (the one I usually use) goes tits up. I have NO idea as to WHY, or what happened....it just did. I am like are you KIDDING me??? At this point like a wondrous knight on a white horse my husband appears out of nowhere, with hot chocolate and a willingness to spend the REST of my shift going out, in the cold and snow (because now of course there's a small snow storm going on - as if things weren't bad enough) directing traffic and informing people of the issues with the pumps. Which of course didn't REALLY fix any attitude that they may have given but it certainly didn't hurt any. Have I mentioned how much I adore my husband??? Had ANYONE even looked at me sideways the wrong way...they would have had to have dealt with him.

I'm home now...I'm hoping whatever the problem was yesterday is repaired by tomorrow. But I was SURE glad to be out of there by the end of tonight. As I txted and tweeted as I was about to leave work "HOME NIGEL AND DON'T SPARE THE HORSES!!". Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Must be the fumes....

There must be something in the gas fumes at work....I wrote both these...while at work.

Of castle clouds 
On sunset hopes
On dreams of snow white love
Of fantastical sensations
In desire of one vision
Sailing gently with lovers gaze
To tomorrows hopes and wishes
Of some times bent distant kisses
Gently flowing toward forever
Perfection perceived in ones eyes
Heart and soul.


~~~~

The perfection and absolution of love is ever exponentially expanding - if we choose to let it.


One Last Glimpse

~K

Goonies Never say Die!

Never is such a definite word...as is won't or hate. There's no 'in between' with those words. No maybe's, could be's, or hesitation. No wiggle room or seeming possibility for change of ideology. This is something I think that leaves me a little unnerved. Everyone should be open to change at some level. Otherwise how does one grow? Learn? Adapt? We joke around my house always saying a line from the movie Wayne's World "We fear change" but that's not true at all.

I'm seemingly on this personal growth kick this last year (if I wanted to or not it seems!!) And I've had to certainly adapt to my unprecedented growing personal needs. Some of them I knew lied dormant in wait...some I had no clue such a thirst or hunger awaited me when I pried the lid off of Pandora's proverbial box  so unexpectedly almost this time last year. It's been interesting. I think I've used that word a lot this year "interesting" and "unexpected". Perhaps those are my "buzz" words to describe 2011. I have to say though it's not been a solo journey. Family, friends (both new and old) have all played a cosmic pivotal roll (albeit some of those people played very...unexpected rolls to say the least!)

It's funny I always thought of myself as being a hairdresser "when I grew up" as my career path. And while I could still easily do that...its really not what I want to do "when I grow up". It's not my "hearts desire". Like everything else it seems..."had you asked me a year ago" seems to be a running theme... But sometimes you just need to open yourself up to the possibilities of change. And go from "never" to even just a "maybe someday" for some or a "definitely absolutely" for others.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

For Love and Country

It's been a while since I wrote about family. It seems I'm always blogging about me, or work, or music, or friends, or Duran...but it's been a while since I've gone on about my family.

I want to tell you a little secret, that isn't such a secret. For as much as I will swoon and go on about John, my heart truly lies with only one man. He is the one who stole my heart when I was 16 and has kept it, protected both it and me ever since - even when "we" weren't a "we". There was a brief time in our marriage where we were apart, and while I don't like to think on it - it was a grievous error in judgement on my part; however we both learned hugely from it; and are better off for it in the long run.


I adore my husband, for more reasons than I can ever possibly explain to you here. He understands me at my very core, he knows what I need, when I need it and sometimes, a lot of the time, he knows even before I know it's what I need, whatever "it" may be. He's truly one of a kind and I am so very endlessly blessed to have him. 

He has seen and had called upon him to do many things none of us can fathom nor would we want to in his lifetime. His career with the military was no frat party, and he was a damn fine soldier and he should be very proud of himself for the way he served Canada and the Queen. I know I am extraordinarily proud of him. 


He's seen every shit hole and Gods glorious spots on this planet and lived to tell the tale with most (MOST) of his sanity in tact. He's always been a little...hyper (My Mom always used to tell him "Take a Valium Alan!") but to me, it's part of his charm and one of the things I loved most about him. Finally, someone who could out talk ME. Now, when I'm not comfortable or just getting comfortable in a new situation I'll be very quiet - I know you're thinking WTH?...but once I'm comfortable...look out!! But Alan's not built that way...and I liked that about him!

One of his trips he took with the military was to Germany in 2001 for a month. It was an exercise that took place with multiple other countries military where they played "War Games" for a month.Various exercises and training techniques. One of the places they managed to go to was Vimy Ridge. I cannot fathom the awe that Vimy would put me in. Just thinking about it's history and what it means, quite frankly is staggering. I mean really...can you imagine if we'd lost? Would you want to?

I'm truly blessed. I know it. One of my favorite quotes comes from a Robert Downey Jr./Marissa Tomei movie called "Only You". Marissa Tomei plays a school teacher, and in this scene I'm about to share, she is trying to explain "destiny" to her class:

"Destiny..From the Latin root destinare...

meaning, to have destination...

to journey...to take a trip where the events

are totally predetermined"

Imagine that The motion of like attracting like

The motion of a divine preordination

Okay Look One hand, two hands

Put them together…and what do they make?

One

Right! So, Plato tells us we began in circles.

When we strive to be like the gods, we were punished by a thunderbolt…that struck 

us and cut us right down dead center...

in half. We scattered to the ends of the earth...searching and searching...for our other half.

Now, what Plato was saying...is that if we just stop...

and go with the flow...and follow our destiny...

it'll lead us back to each other."

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Tantric JT

I find texting or even tweeting can be so unexpected and random sometimes. The things we say, the conversations we have. The odd little things that make us laugh or amuse us I find fascinating sometimes. They can take on a life of their own, and occasionally add a visual that you never expected.

I randomly was texting with JM today discussing how JT had been back tweeting again and how things were getting back to normal. I was hyper and he was jet lagged. We briefly discussed how on the days when he has all this pent up energy he should be writing his book or get a hobby, and then very randomly she suggested the idea of him doing a headstand. Now..for you visualization types (and JT lovers) This...is what i visualized. Follow along with me if you will. Are you ready? Picture this... (You're welcome in advance by the way). A long, lanky JT doing a headstand, grinning and giggling uncontrollably as he tries to stay erect (stay with me here girls) T-shirt fell up, showing a little tummy, pant legs of his jeans fell up as well (he is upside down after all) showing a little hairy leg, and bare feet. Now...I'm not a foot or a toe person, but some men DO have sexy feet. SLB and JT in my opinion have been blessed with VERY sexy feet. Anyway, that was instantly what I saw in my minds eye and well...yea... My response? "Tantric JT...I can dig it!" Oh yes I freakin CAN! 

On a side note, (related note?) I think if it's doable financially this year I'd like to go either get into yoga or belly dancing or both. I don't know how good I'd be at either but I won't know until I try. Just like anything and everything else until I put myself out there. I'll never know if I "could have" accomplished it or not. You're reading exhibit A as far as THAT one goes. Proved that to myself, why not this as well? 

I work again tomorrow (Wednesday) and then I'm off on Thursday. Which, now that I'm feeling better -doesn't fill me with a sense of impending doom like it did last week. Because let me assure you dear readers there is nothing worse than sitting at work feeling like re-fried shit and having to dispense some sort of pleasant customer service when all you really want to do is curl up into a ball and die. But like I said...I'm MUCH better now. 

I'm sure I'll blog again this week. I wrote a "poem" this evening I'm torn as to if I like it or not. I guess I'll toss that here before I head to bed and get your thoughts.

On peacock plume,

And angels wings

On ebb and flow of time

Hearts or' flow in love and hate

Tidal storms toss to-and-fro

Eagles cry and cats eye glow

Grow cold and distant haze

Closed gates, crashed thunder

and fallen rock

Hearts crumbled and vengeance raged

Till never more voiced loud as a whisper

Screamed silent in my mind

For desperation crawls forth for forgiveness

And bleeds in hallowed mourn. 

And there you have it.

One Last Glimpse,

~K

Edit: Photo temporarily changed as of Jan 19th/12 - keep getting error.

Babblings

I'm awake, wide awake in fact. It's 12:42am EST and I'm not the least bit tired. I've been so sick the last week or so it seems that sleeping is ALL I have done (When I haven't been working).Quite frankly I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Aside from a slight nasal issue going on at the moment I feel better than I have in WEEKS. I'm sure you're saying to yourself well then why the hell aren't you going to bed to improve on this. Well I'll tell you, to be 100% honest as foolish as this is going to sound, I'm afraid if I go to bed...I'll feel like shit when I wake up. I know that's complete foolishness and illogical but it's the thought process I'm currently stuck with. I also have a few other issues currently that I'm trying to settle myself from however I'll just leave it as well hell what the hell -- I haven't had sex in about a week or so, so I'm a little bit erm...lets just say I'm a little "amorous". However my darling husband is now sick...so unless I'm going to fly solo...or go lift a Buick, here I sit. Nothin' but honesty around here folks! Sorry!!!

I've been writing a fair bit lately so that's a good thing. Some here, some on my book...some completely random blurbs just for fun. But I'm feeling good about what I'm writing. Even if no one but me is reading it, or if I throw it out at the end of the night if I'm at work (BLASPHEMY I KNOW!! SORRY JM!) I'm pleased with what I'm putting out. I feel...comfortable you know? I mean lets face facts would I have thought a year ago that I'd be letting you all ready this?? OH HELL NO! Mind you, had you asked me a year ago how this last year was going to play out, would I have believed you? Not a chance or hope in hell. I probably would have laughed openly quite frankly. I mean really. The events that have occurred in the last year to all of us, have been...off the charts. Really. Cosmically off the map. But it's the way the 'verse rolls ya know? The world is a funny, funny place.

Andy Taylor has been tweeting a LOT lately. Does that man not sleep? Is he a cylon? Like seriously what the hell is up with THAT? He's growing on me I got to admit, I mean...I'm still annoyed with the goings on surrounding him and his coming and going and antics that I've read about with him both by their voice and his own admittance but...the "little geordie fook" will always be "the little geordie fook". But I GOTTA know, what the hell is up with the sunglasses 24/7. Does anyone know? I guess his sunglasses 24/7 annoy me like Charlie's chuck's and sneakers annoy you RCL or JT's ducklips. Although truthfully I think he does that now a days just because he was FOREVER asked to do that in the 80's pictures so now he mocks it almost? I dunno, maybe now it's an unconscious habit. LOL

Anyway...I suppose I should head to bed. It's getting late and I SHOULD get SOME sleep...don't chance it and all that. So here's to me still feeling as good when I get up as I do right now.

One Last Glimpse,


~K

Random thoughts vrs 1.5

I'm sitting here, on my day (first of two) off from work...and I'm sick. I've had this damn cold now for the better part of a month and this cough just lingers and lingers. It's annoying and I'm tired of it. I thought it was going away the other day but now it's back for round two. FML So I'm back to my regimen of cold meds and kleenex surrounding me.

John Taylor decided to come back and grace us with his presence again today on Twitter for the first time since before Christmas. A lot of people were nervous as to his whereabouts and his quick vanishing act - concerns I think that there was something tragically wrong with either him or Duran. I had concerns as to his health as he had tweeted about a cold prior to his vanishing act. Having HAD the SAME cold he tweeted about for over a month now I could certainly relate. I'm glad to hear however he sounds well, but just busy and seemingly on a self imposed "communique detox" and a "twitter enema" as he put it. Glad to know everything is okay.

My eldest daughter (Jessy) is about to complete her first week of her college courses. She's had some issues with scheduling however they seem to be behind her and she is well on her way to success. I have such faith in her abilities...and am very proud of her.

Tomorrow is another day off, I'd LOVE to say that I'll accomplish all that I'd LIKE to although it truly will depend on how I'm feeling. If I push myself too hard I'll inevitably end up worse off than I was today, and I certainly don't want that! I'm hoping however to at least get some bass practice done. I've woefully neglected that this past week. I'm DYING to get working on GoF or Rio but honestly I don't know that I'm quite there yet. My goals this year are Girls on Film, Rio, Carless Memories and perhaps Hold Back the Rain. We'll see how far I get. I'd also love to wrangle Planet Earth in there as well, plus some (dare I say it???) NON Duran songs as well. We'll see. One day at a time, Trust the Process and all that shit.

As for now, I'm off.

One Last Glimpse,


~K

For the love of a Grandparent

A dear friend's Gran passed away today and while I never had the privilege of meeting her Gran, I had a silent moment and shed some tears for her and her vast loss as I am aware the impact this woman had on my friend was tremendous.

It also of course, made me reflect and think back on both my Grandmothers and generally on my Grandparents on a whole. Their similarities and their vast differences. Varied memories (both good and bad) came to mind that I had with them, and how their input helped shape, mold and form me into the person I am today.

My maternal Grandmother - Elsie - was probably the one I spent the most time with growing up. Simply because my parents were divorced, and I lived with my Mom. Not to mention the fact that we did live with my maternal Grandparents for a brief time. When I was young, my Grandma Elsie would always play games with us (cards, monopoly, etc) and while I know she always favored my eldest cousin Bruce, when I was very young I didn't see that first hand. It wasn't until I got older that it became evident that my Mom was the "black sheep" in my Grandmother's eyes and that she had little to no time for my Mom and therefore my sister and I by proxy. That however was not apparent until I was much older, and to be truthful I STILL don't know why my Grandmother felt the way she did.

Grandma Elsie's childhood and life was (and still is) shrouded in mystery. However sadly my Grandmother's family who "knew everything" has passed away, so the truth will never be known exactly what went on. But I'm curious of course. Illegitimate children, last name changes and then suddenly changing back, hearing a story once and then a lot of "oh I never said THAT you must be imagining things" when asking to hear a story again,  marriage, divorce, infidelity, questionable fluctuation of  dates of births, immigration dates...just weird weird stuff. My maternal side is a soap opera looking for a place to happen.

My Grandma Elsie was the first person to teach me to bake. I remember sitting in her kitchen, which always had such warm floors, the whole house did as the hot water pipes ran under the floor...brilliance in my opinion - no cold floors - EVER. She had a little glass and iron bistro table in her kitchen that I would sit at and watch. Occasionally I would help stir or crack eggs (A HUGE thrill when you're 7 or so!). And always...ALWAYS help her clean up as we went. She always said "The key to a good chef is cleaning up as you go and afterward!!"

As I got older, and my Grandma Elsie got sicker (she was diagnosed with diabetes when I was about 11 or so and later emphysema from years of smoking), she became cold, miserable, bitter and angry. I'm not sure if these parts of herself had always been there and I had just never noticed or what. Although to hear others speak...this side of her was always there, I just didn't see it until I hit about 13 or so. I try not to recall that cruel dark side of her although sometimes; a lot of times; it's hard not to. Good with the bad ya know? It doesn't mean I love her any less, although as I got older there were times where she really made it difficult. But she was still my Grandma.

My Gramma Marge (Dad's Mom) was just as welcoming when I was a child...into her home and kitchen...and while I didn't learn AS much baking wise from her as I did from Grandma Elsie, as I got older I became aware that things were just as...unstable in Gramma Marge's home as it was at Grandma Elsie's. For COMPLETELY different reasons however. My Grandpa Wally was an alcoholic, when I was young I remember alcohol always around at my Grandparents. At the house and at the trailer...it didn't matter. Bottles of Labatt's '50' (the stubby glass bottles from the 70's) or Carlsberg Light or Labatt's Blue etched in my mind. I have a memory of it being Christmas, I was probably 6 maybe 7 (at most) and seeing someone's bottle of '50' on the table. I remember picking it up and wondering what it tasted like. I remember thinking it MUST taste GREAT because everyone was ALWAYS drinking them. I wanted to see what the big draw was. I vaguely recall not liking the smell, nor did I like the taste either. I remember thinking How the hell did people DRINK this shit??? I still don't like the taste of most beers although there are the odd exceptions. Most smell of beers or the smell of rye take me to loud, angry, occasionally violent memories in my past...mostly involving my Grandpa Wally. But; due justice being done to him; while he (and the rest of my Dad's side) all loved to drink, I don't think he truly became a full on alcoholic until after he retired. I think until that point he was likely a "functioning alcoholic" before that, but once he retired...like my Grandma Elsie and her health decline, I think he became more angry and depressed as his own body betrayed him.

I loved my Grandparents. All four helped shape me into the person I am today. I didn't really get to know my Grandpa Cecil (My Mom's Dad) until I was an adult but I am so very thankful I got to know him before he passed. He was a wise man, with a quick wicked dry sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge. I lived out west when he passed, and I think while they all suffered in their own way before they passed...this quiet, gentle man in my opinion suffered the most in the shortest amount of time. And because he was closest to my Mom it was as if on his death I lost a part of her all over again.

I miss each of my Grandparents for reasons and memories each as unique as they were. Both great and terrible memories have helped shape me - and I am eternally and forever thankful for it. Being thankful for "terrible memories" sounds odd, but I learned so much from them and their mistakes that formed those unhappy memories - so for that...I am thankful and I hold as dear onto the less "than favorable" memories as much as I do the "favorable" ones.

I write this...in honour and in loving memory of my Grandparents...and yours.

For a snippet of time,
Your world enlightened mine.
My heart was blessed with your gifts,
I will cherish those precious times,
As still shots and pictures in my minds eye.
I can never thank you enough for that time,
As brief as it was, for your gentle sweet soul.
I await to cross paths with you again someday,
My soul will know yours,
And we will embrace once more.


One Last Glimpse,


~K

Song for @joneesuz

This evening I was approached by one of my twittersisters (@joneesuz) in regards to a certain bass God's absence. And about how we were going to unite (or was it untie?) in solidarity and not tweet said bass God in an attempt to 'smoke him out' of his twittersilence.

Personally I suspect he's resting up, he had mentioned to not feeling well at the end of the UK tour with a head cold coming on and being that I am just now finally getting over mine (after almost a month) I can certainly related and can only imagine what he's going through and doing the same. As well of course as any writing he's doing on his book, plus countless other things. In any event, solidarity it is!

Occasionally when tweeting dear @joneesuz I do this whole diva, feather boa, torch song, lounging on the piano act and I "sing" via Twitter. I don't recall how it started, however it is what it is and I've done it ever since.

I told @joneesuz that I would sing her a song and that is exactly what I am going to do. So... @joneesuz... this one's for you...

I believe you all know my piano player....(And apparent part time Chauffeur...)

 

#sprawlsuponthepiano

#adjuststhefeatherboa...andtheboobs

Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I’m still standing here
And you’re miles away
And I'm wondering why you left
#sniffle
And there’s a storm that’s raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
#stiffupperlip

I hear your name, in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time,thinking about you
And it’s almost driving me wild
#crawlsacrossthepiano
And there's a heart that’s breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone, away
#poundsemphaticallyonthepianotop
I ain’t missing you
No matter, what I might say
#sitsupright

There’s a message, in the wires
And I’m sending you this signal tonight
You don’t know, how desperate I’ve become
#winksatNick
And it looks like I’m losing this fight
#nodsknowingly
#Nicklooksscared
In your world I have no meaning
Though Im trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that’s breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone, away
#faketears
I ain’t missing you
No matter, what my friends say

And there’s a message that I’m sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
#clutcheschest
And if I can’t bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload
#flipsfeatherboa

I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone, away
I ain’t missing you
No matter, what my friends say
I ain’t missing you, I aint missing you
#sitsclosebesideNickandwinks
I can lie to myself
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I aint missing you at all
#pullsonNick'stie
Since you’ve been gone, away
I ain’t missing you,
No matter, what my friends say
Aint missing you
I ain’t missing you, I aint missing you
I can lie to myself
#edgestowardsNickasheedgesofftheothersidetillhefallsoffthebench
I ain’t missing you
#sobswildly
I aint missing you

2012: Resolutions? We don't need not shtinkin resolutions!

2012...Another new year. I'm not sure if due to this whole Mayan calendar stuff I'm supposed to have a sense of impending doom or what. But, I can tell you, rest assured my lovelies...I do not. To be honest, I feel positive and upbeat at prospects of a new year. A sense of calm and peace about myself that I don't know if I've EVER felt before.

It's like new shoes or fresh sheets out of the washer. They look and feel great at first, but they're bound to eventually be a few wrinkles and scuffs but rest assured, things will be fine.

I stopped making resolutions years ago. I paraphrase a wise woman who recently said: "Resolutions are like promises I'm breaking to myself, and since I don't like to break a promise to anyone I don't make resolutions. I set goals for myself instead over the year." Personally, I think that's brilliant. Perhaps I'm just deluding myself into thinking it's not the same thing. 


I'm looking forward to 2012 to be honest. Last year came to an end on such a bittersweet note, that I'm looking positively at things hoping it will ebb and weave positivity into my live, my surroundings, my writings, and my music. Then outward to you my dear friends...my loved ones. 


So I don't do resolutions, if you've come here looking for one from me...I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. 


I do however as always promise to be there for you, just as I always have been. 


I will leave you with a (LAMELY) paraphrased version however of one of my favorite Beatles songs...

(Not quite Abbey Road...more like Abbey Rhodes)

You say you want a resolution
Well, you know
We all want to change ourselves
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change ourselves
But when you talk about quitting smoking
Don't you know that you'd better butt it out!
Don't you know it's gonna be, all right
All right, all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the weight loss plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're all doing what we can
But when you want some money
To see Duran Duran some place
All I can say is sister..you're going to have to wait (to get more tour dates)
Don't know you it's gonna be all right
All right, all right
Ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

You say you'll change your resolutions
Well, you know
We all want to keep them instead
You tell me it's all convoluted
Well, you know
You'd better think of what you said
But if you go carrying through with solemn vows
You better be willing to turn it out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
All right, all right
All right, all right, all right
All right, all right, all right.

One Last Glimpse,


~K