Saturday, 28 January 2012

Time for truth, Time for healing

When my husband and I first starting dating and then subsequently got married, I (as most people do) formed a bond (or tried to) with his siblings and family. Some of us got along really well from the get go, others took a little more work. I should note: Alan is the OLDEST of SEVEN kids (oldest to youngest they are: Alan, Rob, Dan, Megan, Christine, Maureen, and Mary). 

His oldest sister Megan and I eventually formed a friendship and were quite close. This took a while as Megan (by nature - like Alan) finds it difficult to trust people due to events stemming from their childhood.She protects herself against being hurt and I truly understand that. Megan is a complex person who (much like her brother) takes much to heart and it takes a long time to get over those who have betrayed her, even though she often gives off the attitude of it not bothering her, or it all just being water off a duck's back.

But once upon a time we were close. I think when Alan and I separated she was mad, hurt, angry, put out, put upon and felt betrayed...again. And in retrospect I don't blame her. I did/said some shady shit against her brother. And while we were friends/sisters he was her brother first. Her loyalties were trashed and while she did her best to stick with me, I think she felt abandoned. And I can never apologize enough for that.

When her brother and I reconciled, I think she thought he was completely mental. However, by comparison to the lunatic he had been dating during our break-up, she at least knew what to expect with me. But things were different now, she was married with children and had moved on from where we were when we had been close. We have odd moments now where things are like they were but it doesn't last long. I think there's still that hurt there, that feeling like I abandoned her and let her down. Truthfully in hindsight I very much could have handled things differently - but I didn't - and I can't go back and change that. I can only move forward, learn from the past (which I have) and continue with the now healthy and loving relationship I share with her brother. But it's her brother I hurt and betrayed, not her with what I did. But in the same breath asking of her to remain friends like everything was fine was a betrayal too. And I get that. Maybe someday we will talk about it. But for now we go on pretending. And sometimes it's fine and other times it feels phony and forced. I'd love to go back to it being the way things were, but I'm not sure how or even if we can.

Since Bradley passed (her son) things are different again. She needs family more than ever I feel and even though I promised Brad in a dream I had that I would take care of her and Emma (my niece - Brad's sister) I haven't. And I need to. Every time I've embraced Megan since Brad passed and said "Hello, how are you?" we have this elongated embrace because I can feel her start to loose it and she takes that moment to pull herself together. Maybe it's time after all. Time for the truth, to lay it all out on the line. And time for some healing to begin.

One Last Glimpse,


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