Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Forever loved: A memorandum

One of my nephews passed away suddenly and tragically Sunday morning. It was completely unexpected and it has left me off kilter and out of sorts since. I loved my nephew Brad, as I love all of my nieces and nephews. I have tried in vain to write something about him since and it wasn't until this afternoon while at work, I found my words.

I was sitting here today at work, sad and despondent about the untimely, and unexpected passing of my nephew. And I really truly wanted to be sad. It was just one of those moments where I was happy being melancholy which to be truthful is so far from who I am, and what I embody it's never a good thing when I get into that frame of mind. It's not who I am. Typically I'm happy go lucky. I don't tend to look or go to "the dark place". I never have. Today for a while...I did. I had no music on (by choice) to pull me out of my depression and funk I found myself in. No texting. Just work. I could feel myself slipping further into sadness and being forlorn and I was okay with that. I wasn't in tears although I could have easily been, but truthfully since Sunday morning everything has just been completely surreal.

I'm brokenhearted. Without going into huge long winded detail; while Bradley was not my eldest nephew, he was the first one I ever held. And despite all his problems, I truly adored Brad. I loved him so very much and now he's gone. And I can never have him back. I can never have another hug from him and hear him say "Love you Aunt Kendra". I'm fucking angry, I won't candy-coat it. I'm fucking pissed and enraged that he's gone. But, I have no idea who to be angry with...which of course pisses me off even more. Should I be angry with Brad for doing what he did? I just don't know. He was 16 for fuck sakes, a baby...just starting his life. He had a girl friend, and said he was "in love" but like every teenager, each new relationship he was "in love".

He was no innocent, but at the same time and in the same breath he was completely innocent. He had been in trouble with the law a few times for stupid little things (it's not that what he did wasn't serious, but he didn't kill anyone is what I'm driving at). More often than not it was a case of trying to impress his friends and he had gotten caught. He was noble - took the fall at least once for a friend who of course he was adamant would do the same thing for him. He was always there for family and friends when they needed him - to a fault. It's my belief this flaw or fault is what ultimately killed him.

Now he'll never know true love, never have kids, never get married and never grow old like I always thought that he would.

I'm sitting here at work today thinking about this. Not being uplifted or happy...nor really did I want to be. Since his passing I have had a song (which Simon dedicated to "passed loved ones" at the show on Thursday) "Ordinary World" has been creeping around in my head almost on repeat. Brad wasn't a Duran fan, but for whatever reason, the song has been stuck.

So here I am, in my funk...my mourning for my nephew, for myself enjoying my little pity party I'm having in full swing, my self wallowing sadness with "Ordinary World" playing for the millionth time in my head. At this point a gentleman came in; whom I have never seen in the store before; and placed his keys down on the counter to pay for his gas. He had multiple keychains and fobs off different rings all interlocking. One of his key chains I noticed was the new logo - the Duran pink "D". I admit I looked at it a couple of times thinking to myself that there is no way I'm actually seeing what I think I'm seeing. But there it was.

I sighed to myself after he left and chose to take it as a sign from the Muses, The Gods and my nephew Brad...to move forward. And while it's fine to cry, be sad and remember him...you have to move forward, move on and keep keeping on...because as cliche as it sounds: All you need...is now...because it's all you have.

One Last Glimpse,


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