Monday, 28 November 2011

The past comes back to haunt...and is put to rest (somewhat)

I don't know why, but I haven't been able to let go of wanting to see "the house" (prison) I was trapped for 2 summers of my youth growing up in Toronto at my Aunt's. I don't truthfully know why I want to revisit that point in my youth. Perhaps for some sort of closure. Perhaps to let the house know in some way that it didn't beat me and win. Mind you, it's not the house's fault for all that I had to endure at such a young age...and honestly the quite lovely visually. Aside from the fact that (if I recall correctly) the kitchen is small, and the basement is of no real usable size, it's a lovely home. But it conjures up such anger, sadness, detest, loathing, and unmitigated rage in me...that have nothing that I can compare it to. And again, it's not the house's fault that I feel this way. It just is how I feel.

I have asked my Aunt in past what the street address was for the place and she informed me she was "Unable to recall" at the time. I remember thinking to myself are you just saying that because you don't want to tell me or honestly do you not remember what it was? I asked her again in email passing (we were conversing via email) so I decided to strike while the iron was hot and ask again. This time I got the street address.

I went to Google and input the address. The one it came up with I was confused because truthfully I didn't recall it being so close to the main intersection. But then I realized while it had given me the correct street it was not at the exact address I wanted. So I inched my way down the street. I was nervous I'll admit. I had a knot in the pit of my stomach, and a lump in my throat. But I had to see it. I had to look at it (even if the photo was taken a year or more ago - which it was). I still had to see it.

When I first set my eyes on it...I felt nauseous and anxious. I felt a sense of doom wash over me like I was 4 years old all over again, and then sadness. And then...nothing. No anger, no rage, no detest, no remorse, nothing...Actually...I think I thought 2 things. 1) I thought there was a large tree in the front yard they must have taken it out. There is a tree on the front lawn however it's a much younger tree - the tree that was there was HUGE and shady and I believe more in the area where the front path was put in towards the sidewalk - it wasn't there when I was there. And 2) I hope no one was foolish and painted over the wood work in that home it was lovely. I'm not sure what I expected really, it's not like the house is evil and an entity of it's own. It's not like the house trapped me for 2 summers of my life and imprisoned my sister and I there. I'll always have that anger. But this is about something different, they're two separate issues.

So I guess after 36 years I can somewhat put that chapter of my life to bed so to speak. Although I've not been to the house in person I now feel almost at peace with it all. Funny how just looking at a photo will do that. While I'll probably never remember nor will I know if anything untoward occurred in that house, I feel calmer when I think about it now somehow. The offending person is dead and the other likely never would talk about it anyway even if she DID know if anything went down that shouldn't have.

I feel better now...for now.

One Last Glimpse,


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