Sunday, 4 September 2011

Open Letter #1 - August 29th, 2011

To Whom it May Concern and Mom:

  I was terrified today. For a brief moment, I was petrified. I went back for my follow up mammogram (2nd in about 3 months) because they found a "density" in my last one, in my right breast that they wanted a better look at. I wasn't overly concerned about it - I have large breasts so IMO better to be safe, than dead.

 My Mom (and know I love(d) you dearly) died from cancer 15 years ago and I don't want to go out like that. I just...don't. I mean really though...who does? I don't know anyone that would volunteer to die of cancer. That would be insanity.

 In any event, I went back this morning after a long eventful weekend (the last thing I wanted to do was get my tit squished!). I went in a little early and they took me straight away. The woman who did my mammo this time was not the same woman as last time, which was fine. She took the images and then asked me to wait as she was going to have the doctor look at them right then (which kind of panicked me a little) so she had me wait in the waiting area.

 A couple minutes later she returned and told me that the doc wanted me to have an ultra sound on my right breast. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? More than a little panicked now people!!!!!

  I (somehow) calmly informed the woman when she tole me "it might be a while" that I had to work at 3 (it was 10:40am). She assured me it wouldn't be that long. And left. Inwardly I panicked. "What the fuck had they found that they weren't saying???!!!"

I sat there with another woman who (also dressed in a matching hospital gown to my own) made a joke of some sort, that I've forgotten now while we waited. I bit my nails - something I've not done for a while and tried (in vain) to concentrated on the fashion magazine in my lap.

Please Mom....don't let them find anything....please I remember I mentally pleaded.

They called my name again and I followed another woman back to a different room this time where I had my ultrasound. She apologized at one point if she was hurting me, to which I replied "Pain is fleeting and I can deal with the pain, you just get the clear shots".

When she finished she told me to stay laid back and she'd be back. Again she left to go look at the shots with (I assume) the doctor. She returned a few minutes later to inform me that they "didn't find anything" and they'd see me in a year.

 Truthfully, I wanted to cry and hug the woman. I wanted to sob to her and tell her all about you Mom and the anxieties I had had and how relieved I was to find out that this "density" was nothing.

  I'm thankful. I'm thankful that everything is okay. I'm thankful that I went and had it done despite my fears. I'm thankful for those who love me, and those who watch over me and inspire me daily.

  I walked out to my car afterward, started it and sat for a moment. I smiled to myself and silently thanked those, whom I've just thanked. And if you're reading were also on that list. You are special to me. For reasons all your are special. And I love you. Thank you for your love, laughter, support, affection and affinity.

 One Last Glimpse.


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