Tuesday, 4 October 2011

I feel fine and other lies

I've got only 23 days now until the show...23 days of waiting. And quite frankly...I'm freaking out. I know all is well, I've got all my bases covered this time. But there's that nagging little "What if, what if, what if..." clawing at the back of my head. Then I fight internally with myself. Negativity begets negativity and I'm really trying to not think that way...ya know?

They're back. Simon really fought his way back from this - what truthfully could have been career ending; injury. He's proud of himself, and well he should be.

I'm feeling that life is really on an upswing at the moment. Creatively I'm doing well, emotionally Alan and I are in a solid place - despite his personal issues at the moment. And while financials could always be better, we're not in a horribly bad place as long as we are careful.

And I'm happy for the first time I think in quite some time...I'm happy with me. That's a foreign concept to me, because yes I need to lose a lot of weight and yes, I need to get my teeth dealt with, but I feel good. Honestly, I think the mammogram  weighed heavier on my mind lately than I thought it did or than I let on. And rightfully so considering my Mom's fate. Who wouldn't have been terrified?

I think my friendships are in a secure spot. I have people who care dearly for me, and that I care dearly for. It's a great and very positive energy right now all the way around. It's positive, euphoric, fantastic feeling and I love it. I smile, in earnest a lot lately. Not just some plastered on smile because it's expected of me.

I think I felt for many years like I had forgotten who I was. I felt almost separated from my own self. Disjointed. Wandering around in this shell but not as me...as someone else, with me surfacing from time to time but never really staying out for long periods. Or at least from my perspective that is what it has seemed like Like I've watched from behind glass my life pass by for the last few years (I'd say at least 6 or more) and I've been a spectator as opposed to a participant in my own life. I've recently gotten back in touch with myself and embraced who I am. Right or wrong, for better or worse. It's been a long process to get to this point where despite any of my external faults...I truly like who I am as a person, and I'm okay with me. My husband, my kids and my true family love me for me. And I love me for me.

The rest of the world can; in the immortal, divine words of the incomparable, beautiful, brilliant and witty Rachel Elizabeth Frances Cree-Lowe; Get bent.

One Last Glimpse,


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